Decisions, Decisions

Look! I've got hair!

I’ve been obsessed with researching electric bicycles. My head is swimming with data. I really want to be out cycling but when I do I often have to be rescued. On at least three occasions, I’ve had to have someone drive me home because I was too exhausted to even lift the bicycle onto the bus. But these limitations are driving me crazy. David very kindly took me to lunch today to get dragon noodles at the Red and Black Café on Division at 21st, a round trip of about eight miles. We ended up driving because there was no way I could ride that distance. It was difficult for me to be in the car because it would have been a perfect bicycle trip, one that I was easily able to do in the past. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, and it was slightly cool, perfect bicycling weather. I hate being relegated to being carted around in a carbon emitting vehicle. The electric bicycle is definitely a way to get out of a car again and back on two wheels where I belong.

Ah, but what model? Should I get a retrofit motor for my old Trek bicycle (the cheapest alternative, only $500 to $650, depending on the model)? How about an electric folding bicycle (Ezee Quando)? Or how about retrofitting my beloved folding Bike Friday? (Nope, I love it just the way it is.) Or should I get a new light hybrid model with a 24V motor (Izip or Giant Lite) or something more substantial (and very expensive) with a 36V motor (Ezee Forte)? Or how about a bicycle that could haul anything I wanted and could replace a car (Strokemonkey electric motor with a hitchless trailer, definitely an expensive option but the most intriguing)? And should I be talking about spending any money at all since I’m now unemployed? The longer I wallow in this indecisive state, the longer I will have to be relegated to a car.

Speaking of employment, another interesting job came open at a place where I did my MSW internship. I loved working there, I would have a great time, but it’s 40 hours per week and I shouldn’t be thinking about that yet. Also, the health insurance is through Kaiser. It would mean starting over with a new health care system. So I’m trying hard not to apply for it. I definitely need to regain my strength before I can think about full time work. I probably should start with part-time work, perhaps on-call work, and not until I'm feeling better. I promised myself I wouldn't look for work until the end of the summer and summer hasn't even begun.

I continue to feel wiped out. I’m told that this is not so unusual for someone so fresh from chemo. It has been only 12 weeks since the last treatment. Jo Brody at Project Quest said it took her over a year to fully get her energy back after chemo. But I’m backsliding a bit in terms of my energy level. I felt better a couple of weeks ago. I had some blood drawn last week to rule out anemia and thyroid problems and should get the results soon. I don’t expect to find anything. It may be the hormone therapy (Arimidex) that I’m taking. Tiredness and nausea are a couple of the side effects listed on the handout that the pharmacy gave me. And, well, I feel tired a lot of the time and I get nauseated in the morning after taking it.

I’m now reconsidering surgery. Although my surgeon says I’m okay to have surgery, I think I need to find out what’s going on with this exhaustion. If it’s the Arimidex, I can try something else. Or if it’s anemia or a thyroid problem, that can be dealt with. But if it’s just that I need more recovery time from chemo, then I will have to respect that and put surgery off until I feel much better than now.

Another Week Gone By

It’s been a long week. I rode my bicycle 8 miles two days in a row. That was probably too much because I felt wiped out on the third day. On Friday I drove down to Salem, a round trip distance of 96 miles. I came home and made Shabbat dinner and by the end of dinner I was as tired as I ever was during chemo. It was hard to sit upright in a chair. In fact, I did my old chemo trick of lying down next to my chair at the dinner table. It’s not like I’ve regained my energy, either. It’s been a slow day today and I’m still in my pajamas at 4 in the afternoon. It’s raining hard and I feel uninspired to go outside. I’m so done with rain right now.

Yesterday I took a printing class at Project Quest and started a four color linoleum block printing process which was very challenging. It was fun though, and got me in touch with my inner artist. When I complete it I’ll post the results. I went to the garage to dig through my art supplies for my wood carving set (which works great on linoleum blocks) but it was too much of a mess in there to find it. David helped me sort through it until the dust caused him to sneeze violently so we had to get out of there. We did manage to find some old sketchbooks of mine, some dating back to high school days. That was pretty fun. I should post some of those drawings. I used to be able to draw, but it has been a while. I think having children was so absorbing that I got out of the habit.

I went down to Salem to attend a sentencing hearing for a client of mine who had relapsed on meth and got into a fight with his girlfriend. He tried to drag her into the house where they both lived. For that he was convicted on four counts of kidnapping. Kidnapping is a Measure 11 offense carrying a minimum of 7 ½ years. Four counts equals 30 years. And then he got a robbery charges because he smashed her cell phone. This all took place during a fifteen minute fight. She suffered no more than a few bruises. She initially cooperated and gave the cops the information they needed to bring charges, assuming that my client would do a couple of months of jail time, as well he should for assault. However, the DA threw the book at him, much to her horror, and asked for the judge to give him 600 months, or 50 years. I went down to take the stand to let them know that he was amenable to treatment and ask that his Measure 11 offences be served concurrently. If he was sentenced to 50 years it would cost the taxpayers (that’s you and me if you are an Oregonian) upwards of 2 million dollars to incarcerate him. As it is, he was sentenced to 22 ½ years. This was so bizarre. This is at a time that Oregon is spending as much to incarcerate 13,400 as it does to educate 438,000 college students. I was pissed. He's really quite a nice person and had tried so hard to make it. Unfortunately, relapse is part of recovery. He really didn't have enough support once he was on his own. He relapsed after he was off my caseload.

As they say, when the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. Oregon needs some more tools in its toolbox. This client should have (in my estimation) served a six month jail term first of all. (Research shows that it takes about six months clean time for a meth addict to be heal from the effects of meth so that he or she has the mental capacity to process treatment.) After jail, I would send him to long term treatment (six months to a year) and then mandate him to transitional housing and an outpatient group once a week for up to 18 months along with transitional services. Locking him up for 22 ½ years is such a waste of resources that it breaks my heart. It’s not only an abuse of this client, it’s an abuse of the taxpayers.

So that’s it for my soapbox. I spoke at a MACG meeting on Wednesday about RAP’s success in helping to establish transitional housing in Clackamas County. After my little speech, one of the residents came up and told me how much he appreciated living there and how important it was to his recovery and getting back on his feet again. I found myself sitting with the Phoenix Rising folks, all of the ex-cons and realizing how much I enjoy that population. I felt a rekindling of my enthusiasm for working with them. I may go back to that work once I go back to working.

On a completely different topic, I met with Dr. Hanson last Wednesday to discuss breast reconstruction surgery. If I’m going to do it, this summer is the time. I’ll get a reduction on the left side and an implant on the right. I want to go to a smaller size since I don’t want to deal with a large implant. I set a date for the surgery: June 15th. That will give me time to take my CADC II exam on June 12th (to upgrade my qualifications as a drug and alcohol counselor).

Finally, I’ve been looking at electric bicycles. I don’t have the stamina I used to have. I found myself driving yesterday because I find the hill going up to my house very daunting when I’m tired as I have been these past few days. I hate to use my car for short trips, and most of my trips are short. Anyway, an electric bicycle is something that intrigues me. I’m looking at one that’s meant for people who want it to ride as much like a regular bicycle as possible. The one that intrigues me is a Giant Lite: http://www.electricvehiclesnw.com/main/lite.htm. It’s not a time to be buying new stuff, but I’ve definitely put it on my wish list.

Mother's Day

Two steps forward, one step back. That's my life. I was doing so well but today I was back at square one, feeling quite tired. I had to go to the store and lay in supplies and supplements for the week and it seemed insurmountable. I finally drove there, and I hate to drive when a bicycle will do. However, I'm trying to treat myself gently and not overdo when my energy is low. I had a sore throat as well. This may just mean I'm battling a cold virus or something.

Today was mother's day and David made me scrambled eggs with smoked salmon. I cooked up a large dinner and we had ten of us at table tonight. Gavi's band mate Ben moved in yesterday. He's lived here before and he fits in well in our household. He seems to appreciate our offbeat lifestyle.

Yesterday we had a potluck and voting party. We invited a few people over to discuss the issues for a local election happening here in Portland. It's such a great way to vote. The food was fabulous and the conversation was great. We got through the ballot in less than an hour and felt pretty well informed by the end of it.

Changes

I’ve just spent the last few days feeling remarkably like myself. It’s very odd to have energy enough to make it through the day without needing a nap. I spent the last few days going to a couple of workshops and was able to participate and be active throughout from 9 am to 5 pm. The first was a class on infectious diseases that I needed as one of the many hoops I need to jump through for the next level of professional qualification as a drug and alcohol counselor. The other claws/workshop was on Motivational Interviewing and it was truly delightful, well taught and informative. I had a great time.

After being in class all day, I went home and cooked a complete meal. On Thursday I cooked and then had a two hour meeting after that. My stamina is definitely coming back. Okay, on Friday I fell into bed pretty early but that’s okay. The fact is, I’m doing a lot better.

I’ve been doing a lot of therapy. I continue to go to my weekly support group and that is great. I’m also meet with my EFT group. We are all therapists of one sort or another and we are learning EFT. Lately we’ve been working on each other and Thursday night was my turn. It was rather amazing. We got to some very deep-seated issues of mine. I have a tendency to overwork and not rest enough. I get frantic and work harder and harder to less avail, especially when I am ill. It’s an old pattern and one I experienced with this latest illness. I didn’t stop when I found out that I had cancer. I put everyone’s needs ahead of mine, fulfilled all my obligations before I would take care of myself. Even then, my only thought was to get back on my feet and back to work as soon as I could. I was devastated when I found that I had to take off months to do chemo.

We looked at the roots of that. It took about an hour and a half, and we went back to the time I was twelve, a particularly devastating time for me, and tapped a lot of unpleasant scenarios away. Then we moved forward in time through all the incidents when I used overwork as a coping strategy. It was so nice to have other very skilled people there to make the connections that I’ve never been able to. I’m sure these dysfunctional patterns are at the root of my cancer. As Howard pointed out, death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down, but so is cancer. By the end of the session, I was able to visualize that frantic part of my that wants to drive me so hard, and thank that part for all she’s done for me. I put her in a clean white nightgown and put her in bed with frivolous reading material and a box of chocolate and let her have a well deserved rest.

I just never want to be that frantic again. I’m working on the next career step now and I want to make sure that I don’t frazzle myself to death. I hope I can figure out to work without getting ill and not noticing again. I think we made a lot of progress on that on Thursday.

Meanwhile, I’m also seeing another therapist for weekly one-on-one sessions. It’s been so many years since I’ve done therapy and it feels so great. As a therapist, it’s amazing that I have waited so long to do this.

I’ve been meditating a lot lately. I do visualizations every morning, then affirmations, appreciations, state goals, and reflect on what I’ve learned so far. Currently I’m using a prayer by St. Theresa of Avila as a basis for meditation. I’ve probably written this prayer before in the blog:

May I be at peace
May my heart remain open
May I know my true nature
May I be healed
May I be a source of healing for others
May I dwell in the breath of God

Then I use the prayer as a basis for gratitude:

Thank you for bringing me to peace
Thank you for opening my heart
Thank you for revealing to me my true nature
Thank you for healing me
Thank you for allowing me to be a source of healing for others
I dwell in the breath of God

Then I just state it all in first person present tense:

I am at peace
My heart is open
I know my true nature
I am healed
I am a source of healing for others
I dwell in the breath of God.

And then I just breathe in and out with the breath of God. It’s such a nice way to begin the day.

And I realize how blessed I have been. I have heard many people say that cancer is the best thing that every happened to them and I could possible imagine what they meant. It’s been so devastating. But I’m starting to get a glimmer of what they were getting at. Cancer has caused me to make enormous changes in my life that I would never have made without it. I have changed my diet radically for the better. I meditate more. I exercise in a gentle and nurturing way. I take much better care of myself. I treat myself so much better. It only took having my life threatened in order to change.

Shabbat Shalom

It’s the end of the week. It’s Shabbat, that weekly Jewish holiday, lasting from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday, a time to drop our work and take time to appreciate the world in its wholeness. That’s where the word “shalom” comes from. It means peace, but it also means wholeness.

I love Friday night. It’s so important to me to have it go well, to have a real sit-down dinner with all of the family. I like to make the meal, including challah, the braided bread. But it’s always a push to do it. I have to leave work a couple of hours early, race home on my bicycle, dump the bread ingredients into a bowl and mix them, then knead the bread and set it to rise. Then I can start thinking about dinner. While I’m cooking I’m generally unloading the dishwasher and setting the table. It’s sort of a hectic situation. Then after all that activity, we get to sit down, and say blessings over the lighting of the candles and over the wine and bread and then have a wonderful meal with friends and family.

With my illness, or rather, the treatment for my illness, I’ve had to give that up making the meal. During chemo I would sometimes make the challah if I felt up to it, and I would ask for help in kneading it. And oftentimes when I felt too awful, there would be no freshly backed challah for Shabbat, at least not the home made kind.
I’ve been cooking a lot lately now that I’m done with chemo, but mostly one pot meals in the pressure cooker. I haven’t been able to do the elaborate Friday Shabbat dinner. However, I can contribute now even if I can’t do the whole thing. It’s so nice to get to the point that I can set the table, help clean the kitchen so that the cook doesn’t have to clean up before cooking. I can be a support person. It’s a complicated meal that needs a support person (or two). I’m learning to appreciate what I can do instead of lamenting what I can’t do. I’m no longer superwoman, but I can at least be helpful.

There’s a lot I need help with these days. I’m learning how to ask for help. I’m learning how to share the load. I left work last Tuesday and realized that I had exceeded my energy. I rolled my bicycle on the Max (light rail train) because I was too exhausted to lift it onto a bus rack and then I called Howard to pick me up at the station since it seemed impossible to ride the mile and a half home uphill. He thanked me for asking him even though it caused him some inconvenience. Today I had to go to Salem for a work related event and my friend Johanna was kind enough to drive me there and back and wait around for a couple of hours while I kept my appointment.

I’m still marveling at how fragile I am, how limited my energy is. I know that I’ve been through a lot, but I want to be better NOW. When friends ask Howard how I am, he says he tells them that I’m impatient. It’s true. I’m trying to learn a little patience though. I’ve never been good at being patient or being a patient. But I’m beginning to understand why patients are called that. Recovery from a major illness is a very long road and it takes being patient.

So now it’s time to sit back, relax, and enjoy the world, enjoy the fruits of our labor, the beauty of nature, and renew our relationship with God or with Spirit or whatever it is that is greater than our tiny human perspective. Wonderful smells are wafting up from the kitchen right now. Andrine is making a wonderful dinner, challah and all. But I set the table.