I saw my surgeon today to plan the mastectomy. I really like him. I’m not so crazy about the hospital. They are very good at what they do, but they aren’t very patient centered. Still, I got some good news. My cancer is a stage one, which is the least scary stage (it goes up to stage four). I had all the blood work done, told them what not to prescribe to me. Some sweet young nurse who was interviewing me looked at my chart and asked me if I was still bicycling 10 miles a day. When I replied in the affirmative, she burbled, “I hope I’ll be able to bicycle that far when I’m 55!” I guess I’ve crossed the line into geezerhood.

Exposing vulnerabilities…I suppose I’ve spent a lot of time “being strong,” taking care of others, not acknowledging my own needs. And when I got upset, I hid until I felt better. I’m learning how important it is to seek out others when I’m upset and allow them to comfort me. It’s taught me a lot about how to comfort others. I’m also finding that I don’t care how weird people think I am anymore. I don’t pretend to be anyone other than who I am, even when I’m working on a professional level.

I spent a considerable amount of time studying shamanism with a very wonderful group of women in Port Townsend. Many of them remain good friends to this day even though many of us have scattered to the winds. But I’ve always been reluctant to practice it. I’ve thrown all caution to the winds lately. I dance and rattle and sing in my side yard every morning and I drum at night before I go to bed. I don’t care who hears it. I don’t care what they think. I don’t care if the songs are “good” or not since they aren’t fore public consumption. They are for me. They are for connecting to the earth and to spirit.

I suppose all this means that I’m accessing and integrating parts of me that have hitherto been left out in the cold, so to speak. I continue to open to experience and reap the rewards.

I have started EFT meetings at my house twice a month with two other women who were at the EFT workshop in Denver last month. I’ve been using this technique (and having it used on me) and it’s been a revelation. It’s a fast way to move through a lot stuff rather painlessly. As a therapist I’m feeling like I can really help people make extraordinary changes in their lives. There’s a website if you want to learn more about it: www.emofree.com

So enough gushing. Yes, I’m doing well, but ask me after surgery, which is the 22nd, or next week. I’ll probably stay a couple days in the hospital. I know anesthetic is not good for me and I have no idea what the emotional implications are of losing a breast. I went and got a post-op camisole today for the drain. The surgery date is looming and I’m trying not to fret about it. I’ll have my EFT friends come to the hospital the night of the surgery to tap me through that first phase.

Ah, it's time to dash to a class...