David and the Girls Leave for Guanajuato

David, Petra, and Tasche took off for Guanajuato, Mexico to stay for a week. This picture was taken just as they were leaving to go to the airport for an all night journey. Gruanajuato is a beautiful old city built in the mountains. David says that it reminds him of a cross between the French Quarter in New Orleans and Sienna, Italy. Perhaps I will go there some day.

Yoga and ACCBO

I returned to my yoga class today. I hadn't been there in a while due to health reasons. Kathleen Perkins runs a very relaxing class for breast cancer survivors at the Breast Center at Good Samaritan Hospital. For just de-stressing, it's a fabulous class.

I'm going to look for something a little more strenuous once my port removal site heals. (It still hurts.) I'm looking at the Empower program which is a three month class in weight lifting for cancer survivors or to start some kind of martial art, probably Tai Chi. I dreamt last night of going to a Tai Qwan Do class, but I was disappointed because they didn't seem to do kata. Tai Chi is all kata, so perhaps that was the message.

I'm also getting ready to become a level 2 Drug and Alcohol Counselor. I've been gathering all sorts of documentation and jumping through hoops just so that I can sit for an exam in July. I went to ACCBO today to see if I have enough of the pieces and I do. Now I have to study for the thing.

In the meantime, I'm going to relax about looking for work. I need to take it easy still and not get frantic. I'm in no shape to be going to interviews, even though I'm feeling lots better. I still haven't managed to clean my room, change my sheets, or do my laundry for a while. When I manage to keep up with the self care that will be a step in the right direction.

A Walk in Forest Park

Sylvia has been a stalwart friend, visiting me once a week and walking me around the neighborhood. It's a long bus ride from her house so it took considerable time out of her day to do this. Today I drove out to St. John’s to visit her instead. We took a walk in Forest Park. It was about two miles. But it was so great to be out in the woods again. The trillium was in blossom and the birds were singing away. The route was relatively flat because Sylvia wanted to make sure I could make it back to the car. She promises me that we can do steeper hikes soon. I’m trying to be circumspect because I know my energy is still limited, but I just want to get out as much as possible. I feel like I’ve just been let out of jail. It’s such a beautiful time of year.

After our walk she took me to a wonderful vegan restaurant in St. John’s, Proper Eats. I had their minestrone soup, which was fabulous. The restaurant seemed to be a favored hang out for the toddler crowd. There were lots of mothers and small children there. Sylvia and I were so relieved to not be mothers of small children anymore. One woman seemed to be there with four toddlers and one baby and no other adult helpers. I was impressed. As a mother, I had been maxed out with only one infant and toddler. Some women are made of sterner stuff than I.

A Meeting with Roberta

Roberta

I have been looking forward to March 21st for many months. It is not only the first day of spring but the first day of beginning recovery from chemo, at least in my mind. It was three weeks from my last chemo treatment, but this time I didn’t have to get knocked down again by another treatment.

I celebrated by driving out to West Linn to see Roberta Gray. She’s the founder of the Life Support Center, a place where around twenty 12 step meetings take place every week. She’s in recovery herself. She’s a yoga teacher and a bundle of energy. She was one of the movers and shakers in the RAP initiative to bring transitional housing to Clackamas County. She was the one who identified the site and had all the community connections to make it happen. Thanks to her and other RAP members, we were able to agitate to get Clackamas County to fund transitional alcohol and drug free housing for people coming out of jail and prison.

She’s got another plan up her sleeve, to help veterans with drug and alcohol problems and PTSD coming home from the war. She wants to start a treatment center. It’s in the pipe dream stage, but knowing Roberta, it will take shape soon. She’s already identified the real estate. I hope to help her with the grants.

It was great to see her again. I drove out to West Linn, eighteen miles each way, which was a major accomplishment for me. I haven’t been comfortable driving more than a couple of miles in the last few months, so I felt a new freedom with my returning energy.

I went to a class a couple of weeks ago which was part of an Eat to Beat cancer series. My usual Monday night class had been cancelled so this was the only one I was able to attend. It was about protein. One of the things that was mentioned was cooking with a pressure cooker. I got inspired and did some research. I ordered a pressure cooker set overt the internet. It had a 4 quart pan and an 8 quart pan, a pressure cooker lid, a regular pan lid and a basket to fit inside the 8 quart pan. I also ordered Great Vegetarian Cooking Under Pressure by Lorna J. Sass, which came highly recommended. So last night I used the pressure cookers for the first time. I made a black bean chile and polenta that was amazingly good. I baked some squash to go along with it, as well as sautéing some greens. It was so great to have the energy to cook a meal, especially one I had never tried before. I was also able to help clean up after dinner.

Glen came over for dinner and brought a movie with him, The Prestige, so we watched that on Howard’s projector and screen. I stayed up until 11:30 pm, which is unheard of for me. It was amazing to me to have that much energy after a long day. Every day brings new little triumphs.

A Disappointing Day

I got the news that I didn’t get the job I went for last week. I was both disappointed and relieved. I was disappointed because it would have been an interesting job with good pay. I was relieved because it would have been stressful at a time when I need to learn how to take care of myself. I really need to work less than 40 hours per week. Finding a job that has benefits and is less than full time is a challenge, however. I did some online job hunting and the results were very discouraging. There’s really not very much out there right now. I keep telling myself it’s not out there right now because I couldn’t take it right now if it were. I’m still convalescing.

My surgical wound hurt last night and kept me awake. I iced it on and off. I was still achy today and I didn’t feel like walking or exercising. I went to get my eyes examined and order a pair of glasses. The doctor put drops in my eyes and then I couldn’t see very well and made me feel slightly queasy, which compounded my malaise.

I’m hoping that this thing will heal soon so that I can get back on my bicycle again. And it’s time to plan my trip to San Francisco. It sound unbelievably complicated right now. I suppose I need to get better before it seems less complicated.

Riding the Tram

Riding the tram with Dr. Pommier

After taking out the port, Dr. Pommier had to go back up the hill to the Kohler Pavilion to the Breast Clinic. Howard expressed an interest in taking the tram so Dr. Pommier gave us some tickets and rode up with us. I had Howard take a picture of Dr. Pommier and me since we didn't have a picture of him without the mask.

It was raining so the views weren’t as good as they might have been. It was a little scary as we swung along. It also rode closer to the hill that we had expected. It’s no wonder that the people directly beneath protested having it put in. One has a bird’s eye view into their yards. Once we got to the top we thought about wandering about, but I had signed up for dinner and it was getting late so we just rode it back down again. We hit rush hour traffic in the rain just perfectly. It was so late that I didn't have time to fix what I had planned so Howard and I had to stope at the store to find something I could fix quickly. I managed to get dinner on the table by 7 pm and I even had energy to help with clean up. Of course, I was still under the influence of local anesthetic. After it wore off, I was in pain.

The Port is Out at Last

I had my port taken out yesterday. That’s a device that was installed so that the chemo drugs could be directly infused into my heart instead of having to accessing my tiny, elusive veins. The port did its job and I’m glad I had it, but I’m very relieved to have it out. We went to the OHSU Center for Health and Healing on the waterfront, my first time there. It was pretty empty as far as I could tell. The views from that building are spectacular. There’s lots of construction going on around it. However, with the housing bubble bursting, I don’t know if it will fill in very fast after the buildings under construction are finished.

Dr. Pommier removed the port in an hour long procedure while we discussed astronomy. It seems that his first degree was in astrophysics. However, he was advised that he could be a professional surgeon and an amateur astronomer, but not the other way around. He took the advice to heart. However, he built and observatory in his back yard and has a 14 inch telescope. After the procedure, he took Howard and me to his office to show us some photographs of stars that he has taken.

The Protest

A couple of old people at the protest

On Sunday we went to the Iraq War demonstration. It was my first outing in a long while. We observed for a bit, and listened to unintelligible verbiage blasting forth from loud speakers. It was a good age mix, lots of older types like ourselves who had marched against the Viet Nam war, and lots of younger types, around the age of our children.

When we had enough of not being able to understand the speeches, we went to the Portland Art Museum to see the Chinese exhibition of tomb objects from the Han Dynasty. It was beautiful. There were a couple of large horses there that displayed a lot more personality than any of the people that were depicted. The objects had been collected by the Schnitzer family. David, Howard, and I speculated what the Schnitzer mansion must look like if it could easily contain this collection.

We also went to see the Edward Elliot photograph exhibit, which is there until April 29th. His career spanned 50+ years. He had a magnificent eye. There was a lot of humor in the photographs. He was also reminiscent of Diane Arbus. And he had a great love of foolish dogs. I really liked his dog pictures.

Milestone: Back on the Bicycle

Today was a milestone. I took my bicycle out. I rode to New Seasons (the grocery store) and back, a distance of a little over two miles total, and I hauled a couple of panniers full of groceries back with me, up a mild hill. Now that may not seem like much to people who are in robust good health, but it was huge for me. The sun was out and if felt so damn good to be on my (beautifully repaired and re-lubed) bicycle. I rode quite slowly, especially on the way home, but I rode.

I came home, fixed some lunch and got a phone call from my husband, who was, it turned out, home from LA and somewhere in the house. We drank green tea, I ate my lunch, then Howard and Andrine and I went out for walk. And we walked for forty-five minutes, or probably about two miles or more. We even took in a couple of Alameda staircases on our sojourn.

I’m tired now, but not exhausted. This means I am finally getting better. That was over an hour of exercise (not including running around the store). I’m back in bed now and ready for a nap, but I’m very excited that I was able to exercise so much today. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow, of course, because I have good days and bad days, but still, I’m pleased that I could do even this much.

One of the women in my support group who completed chemo last November is going rock climbing this weekend. I feel inspired, although I don’t think rock climbing is my sport. But I feel inspired to try longer bicycle rides this summer. And I’m hoping to get back into lifting weights again. At any rate, I have always tried to exercise a minimum of 30 minutes a day, whether it is yoga, weight lifting, walking, or aerobics. (I consider bicycle riding to be too much fun to count as “formal” exercise). So I am going to reinstate the 30 minute minimum rule starting Wednesday. As I have written before, I consider Wednesday to be the true end of chemo for me. And perhaps by then I will have thoroughly kicked the Rotten Cold.

Here are some links to Portland maps that I found online:

Alameda Stair Walk Map:
http://www.portlandonline.com/shared/cfm/image.cfm?id=143881

NE Portland Walking Tours:
http://www.portlandonline.com/transportation/index.cfm?c=ebihb&a=bedihj

Portland Walking Maps:
http://www.portlandonline.com/transportation/index.cfm?c=39402

Portland Bicycle Maps:
http://www.portlandonline.com/transportation/index.cfm?c=34809

Friday: Laying Low, Staying Home

Today I slept in until almost 10 am. I was exhausted, probably by the last two days of activity. I made myself get up and take a shower, then prepared breakfast. It was an utterly gorgeous day. I finally took my bicycle out and rode it around a little. Then I went for a walk, despite feeling pretty lightheaded. I walked a mile in the soft spring air. This is my favorite time of year. I just love the new growth, the trees in bloom, the leaves budding, and the daffodils springing up.

I was pretty tired by the time I got back, but I had the energy to make a nice pot of vegetable soup. I’m getting back into my vegan diet again, although I have to cook food for now until my gut heals enough to deal with the raw stuff. Tasche came in while I was cooking the soup and I invited her to have some. Together we downed bowl after bowl of the stuff. It was great. I really enjoy having another vegan in the house. She’s so appreciative of my cooking. Imagine, a vegan who actually likes vegetables. I’ve known too many teenage vegetarians and vegans who hate vegetables. I’m so glad that Tasche is interested in good nutrition.

So after that, it was time to go back to bed. I finally downloaded my email after several days of neglecting it. I’ve been reading most of the afternoon and taking it easy.

Howard is still in Los Angeles with his mother. She’s not doing so well. She has congestive heart failure and is very weak. She could go at any moment or she could hang on for months. He’s flying home tomorrow and will spend a few days here, then go back on the road. He’s thinking of going down to see her again soon. I think that he should spend as much time as he can there since she may not be around for long.

David and Tasche are going to Port Townsend this evening to see Petra perform. David still has the Rotten Cold, but he wanted to show his support for Petra so he’s willing to drive the four hours while in not-so-great health. I wish that I could go see her but that’s out of the question at the moment. I can’t imagine going out of town yet. It's hard to tell if this exhaustion is mainly from the lingering effects of chemo or the Rotten Cold. It's been exactly two weeks since I first came down with the Rotten Cold. It's really been tenacious.

Thursday: Realignment

Thursday I had an appointment with Anna Bjerke, who is a physical therapist who works wonders. I’m in the habit of injuring my ankles on a fairly frequent basis. She adjusted my ankles and my shoulders so that my body wasn’t so twisted. In the process, she freed the lower lobe of my right lung so I can breather more deeply. And she cleared up a kink in my descending colon which helped with my digestion. I feel realigned now. My ankles are much more flexible and it’s easier to walk. I drove to her office and back by myself, which is the most driving that I’ve done in a very long time.

Wednesday: Lunch with My Boss and Colleagues

I haven’t written in a few days. I had a lot going on, considering the state of my health. It doesn’t take much to wear me out these days.

Wednesday I had lunch with my colleagues from my office. My boss, Jerry, flew up from Los Angeles took us all out to lunch. I took the elevator up to the sixth floor of our office building. I hadn’t been there in months, but when I walked into the office, it was just as I had left it. Merry and Ginny greeted me and gave me a hug, then Jerry came in and gave me a hug. It was so great to see everyone again. I sat at my desk for a few minutes and then it was time to go out to lunch. Carter and Lara joined us and we went to a very nice restaurant. We talked about the project, what we had learned, debriefed about some of our “creepier” clients, and lamented about those who had recidivated.

This is a hard job to leave because I like the people so much. I do have a lucky knack of finding jobs where I get to work with nice people, but this job has been exceptional in that department. I am so very fond of everyone who works in that office (and the people in LA that supervise us). I also like the physical location of the office (although it’s right across from the old Meier and Frank which is being renovated into a new Macy’s and hotel so it’s very noisy at present). I love working downtown.

After lunch we trooped up to the office. Jerry helped to iron out some issues around Ginny’s and my layoffs with the HR person while we were there. Then Ginny and I left, she to pick up one of her kids and I left to get a massage from Andrine (a very welcome event). That evening Moira came over and we watched The Secret, so it was a very full day.

The Exam

I went to try on my “interview suit” on Saturday only to find that it was very loose. I could sort of get away with wearing it, though. However, my silk shirt was huge on me. It looked like it belonged to someone else entirely. After losing 20 pounds, none of my dressier blouses fit. I still felt rotten from the cold, but it was time to go shopping. David graciously agreed to drive me to Lloyd Center to Nordstrom’s. I knew it was going to cost more, but I didn’t have the energy to wander from store to store looking for the best bargain. I needed a helpful sales person who knew her stock and would bring me items.

Nordstrom’s, God bless them, was the right choice. The saleswoman found about five blouses for me to try on. I modeled them for David and we agreed on a nice blue silk one for a mere $62. It looked great. It turns out I wear a small now. I took a glance at the shoe department and decided to stick with my black oxfords. I didn’t have the energy to deal with shoes. I hate shopping under the best of circumstances.

Our next stop was the restaurant at Nordstrom’s. David knew exactly what to order, the Asian chicken salad (which we split) and a cup each of the tomato bisque soup. It was a very nice little outing.

Yesterday I felt a little better, which was good, because I had the follow up class for my clay project. We glazed our little characters. Then we made little books in a small book binding exercise. It was really fun. The next step is to write a story about our clay character. I’m looking forward to that.

Today was the interview. Actually, it turned out to be what they called an “oral exam’ where I was asked a series of questions by a panel of experts. If I score high enough on the exam, then I will get an interview. I find out in about ten days how well I scored on the exam and whether or not I’ll get an interview. I had about forty minutes for the exam. I answered five out of six questions confidently. The one question that threw me was my approach to diversity and cultural competency. I gave a couple of examples of people that I had worked with, but I felt like my response was fairly lame.

One of the things that I knew that they were interested in was my competency in motivational interviewing. While I was waiting for the interview, there was one magazine in the waiting room which had a very good article on motivational interviewing. It had relevant passages underlined by hand for good measure. It was a very timely review on the subject. With my memory refreshed, I entered the exam room with more confidence than I had expected. The “panel of experts” were very nice, although they didn’t give away much about how I had done. They just assured me that I would receive a letter in about ten days and if I scored well I be interviewed the week of the 26th of March. I coughed a bit during the exam, but I didn’t want to take cough syrup before the exam because I had to drive to get there and I didn’t want to be impaired in any way. I felt dizzy enough from the cold without adding to it.

I feel a whole lot better now that this particular ordeal is behind me. It took up a lot of psychic energy at a time I was feeling pretty low. Now David has the Dreaded Cold and he feels awful. He spent the day at home and will probably take tomorrow off as well. This is a wicked virus. Chira, who came down with this virus a week before I did is still dealing with it. It does tend to linger.

What Is Fair?

Emerging

Day by day I’m getting a little better, but I’m impatient. I want to be recovered from this cold. I didn’t expect to be laid this low at the last gasp of chemo. I remember that when my children would whine at me that “it wasn’t fair” I would tell them that if life were fair, we’d be living in a one room shack with our main possessions being the clothes on our backs, one pot and a bowl each in which we would be served our one meal a day that looked suspiciously just like yesterday’s meal. So why is that I feel like getting this cold “isn’t fair” somehow? Perhaps I just need a little perspective.

So yesterday I was able to prepare meals and do a few light tasks. I really want to go to the store today to lay in supplies for Howard’s absence. It’s all very well sending other people to the store for you, but it’s so much easier to pick the stuff out yourself. For instance, I asked for organic cashews and they arrived last week but there were more than I would have bought for myself and they were stale. No one else seems to be eating them so I suppose it was a waste of money. And going through the produce section is always inspiring. I much prefer to do it myself. I’m just afraid of a setback if I try to do too much, though.

I got my lay off notice in the mail today. It turns out I’m laid off as of April 1st, with 30 days notice starting March 1st. I’m paid up until April 1st. Not good news. I suppose I’ll have to spring to my feet a lot earlier than I planned. I can’t imagine it now.

The Big Joker Schedules a Job Interview

On Tuesday, which was perhaps the nadir of this cold, I got a call from a potential employer. They liked my application so much that they wanted to interview me on Monday, that’s the only day they could do it, and they had assembled a panel. This was an out-of-the-blue response. The application was submitted a long time ago. I was unable to reschedule it because that’s the day they have the panel and it’s too hard to reassemble everyone again. I groggily assented, having no idea if by that point I would be in the hospital with neutropenia induced pneumonia. However, this was an employer with excellent health benefits. Given my “pre-existing condition” such health benefits are very attractive. The pay is pretty attractive as well. It was time to get off my death bed and work on finding my way back to the land of the living.

I went to see Barbara MacDonald yesterday and she gave me a regimen to deal with the cold. I was too ill yesterday to be very proactive, but Howard was helpful in obtaining the necessary Chinese herbs and administering various forms of hydrotherapy. Last night he helped me with the cold sock treatment. That consists of soaking one’s feet in hot water for about ten minutes, then putting on cold wet (wrung out) socks, then putting on (dry) wool socks over those, then going to bed. I rewarded Howard by waking him up every four hours with coughing fits when the cough syrup wore off.

So today he administered a hydro to my chest and back (applications of hot wet towels followed by cold wet towels). Throughout the day, I took lots of vitamin C, did some steam inhalations, and took the Chinese herbs. The fact that I can even manage these treatments is a big improvement since for the several days before that I felt too rotten to help myself.

So I’m hoping that in the next few days I will radically improve so that I won’t be a total dead lump at the interview or launch into a never-ending coughing fit. It’s bad enough that I have no eyebrows and eyelashes and that I’ll be wearing a wig. This is not the timing I would have chosen. However, the Big Joker will have His way. As we used to sing in Unitarian Sunday School:

Have thine own way, Lord, have thine own way.
Thou art the potter, I am the clay.
Make me and mold me, mark me with a “b”
Then put me in the oven, for baby and thee.

It’s not as if I can start a new job soon so if they want me before June 1st, then it’s evidently not the job for me. However, since I first contacted them last August, perhaps they are good at the long timeline. And hopefully I won't have to undergo a drug screen at that point since I'm taking codeine cough syrup. That just doesn't look good on a UA report.

The good news came late yesterday afternoon when I learned that my neutrophils were at 1400. That’s low, but not neutropenic. Chances are good that I won’t be in the hospital on Monday. Knock on wood.

Not doing so great...

While I've managed to stay out the hospital so far, I'm not exactly getting better. I took a short walk yesterday and that seemed to have nudged me over the edge from recovery mode to increasing illness. I really hate not having an immune system. I'm coughing and sneezing and generally feeling exhausted. However, my temperature remains in the normal range, so that's a good sign. I get a blood panel on Wednesday so I'll see how the neutrophils are doing then.

Battling a Cold after Chemo

I’ve been battling a cold these past couple of days. Yesterday I spent the day in bed, with absolutely no energy to do anything at all. My temperature kept rising. At 100.5 I’m supposed to go to the hospital. I made it to 100.4 before it started going down.

I called NWCS and the nurse there had the doctor call in a prescription for antibiotics and cough syrup. With my recent bouts with bowel inflammation, antibiotics didn’t seem to be the best route. I called Lysanji Edson, my homeopathic physician, who advised me to take herbs. She also gave me a remedy. Although I felt really awful, I was still on the verge of getting ill and not really into a full-fledged illness. The interesting thing to me was that I stopped getting hot flashes as I felt worse.

I woke up this morning feeling better. I went downstairs for breakfast, which was a major improvement. Yesterday I had very little appetite. David came home in the middle of the day to feed me soup, but I wouldn’t have bothered to eat if he hadn’t done that.

I’m still coughing, I’m still tired, but I feel like I will survive this. I was really nervous that this might put me in the hospital again. A simple cold can easily evolve into pneumonia when one's immune system is as compromised as mine is at the moment. I knew I was getting better when I had a mild hot flash this morning. It’s so strange, to be actually welcoming hot flashes as a sign of returning health.

Last Chemo

Deborah and me

Deborah showed up last night on her way to Mexico. That’s her in the photo with me. She came bearing gifts – lots of interesting food and a new orchid. Old friend are the best friends. We had children roughly the same age in Port Townsend so we used to see a lot of each other. Deborah has been a great support to me throughout this ordeal, calling me up and cheering me on.

Yesterday was the last chemo. I could feel my head fogging up as all the chemicals were pumped into me. Howard was by my side the whole time which was great. I have two more weeks of watching for side effects, such as neutropenia, bowel inflammation, rectal fissures, and whatever else might show up, but then I start to be on the mend. I have my neulasta shot this afternoon, so hopefully it will stave off the neutropenia, but then again, I’ve had neutropenia even with neulasta before, and my neutrophils counts were pretty low going into this chemo round.

One of the mild annoyances of the past few days was injuring my ankle. I re-injured it again yesterday morning before chemo so I was hobbling around. When we got home, Howard suggested soaking it in alternating hot and cold, but I just look at him blankly, wondering how I would get the energy to get the buckets and fill them. Fortunately he took on that task. I did the requisite soaking (thirty seconds in ice water, 2 minutes in warm) for several rounds and it helped tremendously.

Supposedly I go back to work on April 1st. I’m hoping I’ll be able to do that, although I don’t know how much of a job I’ll have left at that point. I have jury duty on the 15th of April. Hopefully, I won’t get picked, I never do, but you never know. I do believe in doing jury duty. As Sylvia points out, if she were being prosecuted and was in need of a jury, she would prefer people like herself or me rather than someone who is just itching to get on a jury. Still, we never get picked. We’re always gone in the preemptory challenges. I’ve noticed that anyone with a glimmer of intelligence never makes it to the jury, at least in criminal cases.