Changes

I’ve just spent the last few days feeling remarkably like myself. It’s very odd to have energy enough to make it through the day without needing a nap. I spent the last few days going to a couple of workshops and was able to participate and be active throughout from 9 am to 5 pm. The first was a class on infectious diseases that I needed as one of the many hoops I need to jump through for the next level of professional qualification as a drug and alcohol counselor. The other claws/workshop was on Motivational Interviewing and it was truly delightful, well taught and informative. I had a great time.

After being in class all day, I went home and cooked a complete meal. On Thursday I cooked and then had a two hour meeting after that. My stamina is definitely coming back. Okay, on Friday I fell into bed pretty early but that’s okay. The fact is, I’m doing a lot better.

I’ve been doing a lot of therapy. I continue to go to my weekly support group and that is great. I’m also meet with my EFT group. We are all therapists of one sort or another and we are learning EFT. Lately we’ve been working on each other and Thursday night was my turn. It was rather amazing. We got to some very deep-seated issues of mine. I have a tendency to overwork and not rest enough. I get frantic and work harder and harder to less avail, especially when I am ill. It’s an old pattern and one I experienced with this latest illness. I didn’t stop when I found out that I had cancer. I put everyone’s needs ahead of mine, fulfilled all my obligations before I would take care of myself. Even then, my only thought was to get back on my feet and back to work as soon as I could. I was devastated when I found that I had to take off months to do chemo.

We looked at the roots of that. It took about an hour and a half, and we went back to the time I was twelve, a particularly devastating time for me, and tapped a lot of unpleasant scenarios away. Then we moved forward in time through all the incidents when I used overwork as a coping strategy. It was so nice to have other very skilled people there to make the connections that I’ve never been able to. I’m sure these dysfunctional patterns are at the root of my cancer. As Howard pointed out, death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down, but so is cancer. By the end of the session, I was able to visualize that frantic part of my that wants to drive me so hard, and thank that part for all she’s done for me. I put her in a clean white nightgown and put her in bed with frivolous reading material and a box of chocolate and let her have a well deserved rest.

I just never want to be that frantic again. I’m working on the next career step now and I want to make sure that I don’t frazzle myself to death. I hope I can figure out to work without getting ill and not noticing again. I think we made a lot of progress on that on Thursday.

Meanwhile, I’m also seeing another therapist for weekly one-on-one sessions. It’s been so many years since I’ve done therapy and it feels so great. As a therapist, it’s amazing that I have waited so long to do this.

I’ve been meditating a lot lately. I do visualizations every morning, then affirmations, appreciations, state goals, and reflect on what I’ve learned so far. Currently I’m using a prayer by St. Theresa of Avila as a basis for meditation. I’ve probably written this prayer before in the blog:

May I be at peace
May my heart remain open
May I know my true nature
May I be healed
May I be a source of healing for others
May I dwell in the breath of God

Then I use the prayer as a basis for gratitude:

Thank you for bringing me to peace
Thank you for opening my heart
Thank you for revealing to me my true nature
Thank you for healing me
Thank you for allowing me to be a source of healing for others
I dwell in the breath of God

Then I just state it all in first person present tense:

I am at peace
My heart is open
I know my true nature
I am healed
I am a source of healing for others
I dwell in the breath of God.

And then I just breathe in and out with the breath of God. It’s such a nice way to begin the day.

And I realize how blessed I have been. I have heard many people say that cancer is the best thing that every happened to them and I could possible imagine what they meant. It’s been so devastating. But I’m starting to get a glimmer of what they were getting at. Cancer has caused me to make enormous changes in my life that I would never have made without it. I have changed my diet radically for the better. I meditate more. I exercise in a gentle and nurturing way. I take much better care of myself. I treat myself so much better. It only took having my life threatened in order to change.