House Concert

Last night Mark Ettinger showed up at our doorstep with his beautiful and talented daughter, Kate. They gave a concert to our assembled friends and family. I adore Mark's music. If, indeed, you want to listen to it or to order a copy of his CD (once he gets more copies, since he just sold out - but more are in the works), you can click here. He is one of the many musician friends that responded to my requests for music to get me through this last most difficult year, although he took my request a step further and put together a CD length recording of lots of his other songs from the past, covers of other people's stuff, and lots of great personal wishes. It meant a lot to me. I still listen to his stuff all the time.

Kate, who just got a full ride scholarship to Oberlin, sang harmonies for Mark last night and then treated us to some of her songs. They left this afternoon to work on recording her CD, which will most likely come out by the end of the summer. Mark is also working on his next CD and he played a number of his new songs for us last night as well.

We've known Mark for many, many years and as he points out, I was instrumental in getting him hired by the Flying Karamazov Brothers. I apologized profusely for doing so, but he said he doesn't hold it against me. In fact, he was quite gracious about it.

It's a rainy day here in Oregon. I'm still in recovery mode, so the weather suits me. It keeps me indoors and quiet. I seem to need a lot of sleep these days. Everyone tells me how marvelous I look and it puzzles me, since I still feel rather fragile from the surgery, but I guess they are comparing this to how I looked during chemo, which was close to dead. Compared to that, I'm okay. My pain level quite low as long as I move very carefully. I'm even thinking of going to the Oregon Country Fair this year, although I'm not planning on playing the glockenspeil as per usual. I shall take it easy and simply visit with people and wander around. Ah, the privileges of temporary disability.

The ancient beast is on her last legs. Howard and I took her to the vet yesterday and she was put on another round of antibiotics and low-fat dog food. I haven't quite elected to put her out of our misery yet, but she's just one fecal explosion away. As Howard likes to point out, her quality of life isn't fabulous. She's arthritic, she's blind, she's deaf, she can't even smell food when it's put in front of her (but once she perceives it, she's very happy to eat it). The decision to "help her feel better" as we put it, is a difficult one. I'm taking her to the groomer's on Saturday to shave off her fur in hopes of making her more comfortable and easier to clean should we have a repeat of her latest ailment. She's a sweet old thing and I don't know where to draw the line since it seems to be my choice when she dies. I dislike having these God-like powers over my dog.

The Bandages are Off

Howard on a tall bike

I got my bandages off yesterday. The doctor declared that the results were “excellent” and I’m inclined to agree. Everything is healing well. The reduced breast looks good. The expander on the other side will be filled once a week for several weeks starting in a fortnight, then an implant will be put in. I’m still feeling pretty post-op. I tire easily and I’m experiencing some pain, especially at night. But every day I feel better than the last (except when I overdo it the day before as I am wont to do).

I found my wallet, by the way, but not the camera. In the meantime, I’ve been learning how to download photos from my phone to my computer. Having my wallet back is huge. It means that I can drive and shop for food and generally rejoin the human race. So this morning I drove and shopped for food and now I’m really tired and feeling like the human race can go to hell. Oh well. I suppose I’ll never learn to dial it back properly.

Yesterday was Howard’s birthday. After the appointment with the doctor we went out to lunch at Vita Café on Alberta Street, which turned out to be a good choice. It had a great vegan menu for me but also worked for Howard, who is a meat eater. After that, we drove down Alberta Street and passed the home of tall bicycles, the Clown House. Caffeine Jones, proprietess of the Clown House, showed us various tall bicycles and even persuaded Howard to try one. She reassured him that they aren’t nearly as dangerous as they look. I was too post-op to even consider a test ride, but I was intrigued and will return when I’m feeling stronger. Caffeine Jones was very friendly and helpful. She was doing some pretty impressive baby wrangling as she showed us all the amazing vehicles around the yard. She had a couple of older kids in the house as well. The baby was probably two, or younger, and was very seriously helping his mom show the bikes and how they worked.

I started a new blog at blogger.com yesterday to address my ebike obsession. However, when I tried to write a new profile, it changed the profile on this blog as well. Chira is helping me put up a website that will be capable of hosting a blog so I’ll transfer it to that site when he has it ready. In the meantime, the address is: http://www.ebikerevolution.blogspot.com/ . I'll post some more tall bike photos there later today.

The Ancient Beast is faltering again. David, Andrine, and Howard are all urging that I help her to “feel better” and have her put down. She’s had another fecal explosion and is now not allowed in the house. It’s up to me to bathe her and I’m trying to summon the energy to do so. No one else should have to face this particular chore, it’ so gross. She is my dog after all. And it may be time to put her out of our misery. Last time I took her to the vet to discuss euthenasia, they proposed doing $586 worth of medical tests on her. Instead, I spent $80 and got her some antibiotics which seemed to work fine until this episode (about three weeks after the last vet visit). She’s a 16 year old dog with a 14 year life span. She’s two years past warranty. I don’t think pouring money into medical interventions makes a lot of sense at this point. It was hard enough to pour money into medical interventions for me, and I don’t believe my warranty is up.

Living in the Future, Living in the Past

The picture is of a statue at Kohler Pavilion at OHSU. I thought it was such and odd, awkward and touching image, a rabbit/man comforting and greyhound. It's one of the images that I've recently retrieved from the camera in my phone.

What an odd world we live in, that we carry around little phones in our pockets all the time, phones that have little cameras in them. Sophie used to say that she felt like she was living in the future. Technologically, she made it to answering machine. That's as much technology as she was able to manage. I've made it to the cell phone with camera, but I don't know how much more I will be able to deal with. Once my capacity to deal with new technology has been met, I guess I'll be living in the future, just like Sophie did for so many years.

All of the photo albums from Sophie's house are now on our dining room table. There was a whole section of pictures from our wedding in 1981. That was 26 years ago. It was so amazing to see how many people at the wedding were no longer with us: my parents, Howard's parents, Howard's sister Jan, Rebo, my grandmother, my Uncle John. It made me want to live in the past, at least to go back for a day or so. Would it be too much to ask to attend my own wedding again and hang out with all those lovely people again? Why can't we time travel? Why can't I go back as who I am now and take care of my children as babies to give who I was then an much needed break? This seems like such a reasonable request.

Or how about going back to the day before my last surgery, just for a few minutes? I’ve lost my wallet and my camera (which is why I'm learning how to use the camera in my phone). I remember taking them out of my bag a week ago when I was packing for the hospital thinking that I certainly wouldn’t need them there. However, what I did with them after that is unknown. I can’t find them anywhere. It’s very unsettling. Perhaps I put them in a “safe” place. Fortunately, I don’t need to drive during my convalescence, but it would be nice at some point to have my driver’s license back, not to mention my library card, my bank card, and my credit card. It has been a week and they still haven’t shown up.

So I’m penniless, without identity, and I don’t have my camera. I’m baffled as to where they might be. I can get Howard to give me some money, I suppose. And I’ve suddenly had to learn to use the camera on my phone. It doesn’t take nearly as good pictures as my real camera, but since it is always with me, it’s more convenient, especially now that I have figured how to download its pictures onto my computer.I wore myself out yesterday getting home from a medical appointment and I’ve been paying for it all day. It’s easy to forget how fragile I am when I feel good and then to overdo it. It’s a lesson I have to keep learning over and over again. I’m pretty tired today and spent most of the day inside, except for a short excursion to Jim and Patty’s for a soy latte, my big indulgence for the week.

I talked to our friend Steve Bratman this afternoon. He and Howard were best friends when they were growing up. Steve is a doctor and a writer. He had moved, changed his phone number and his email address so I was unable to contact him when I learned that I had breast cancer. It’s too bad, because he would have been a good ally when I was fighting having chemo. He says that the evidence in favor of chemo is very good for some types of cancer, just not for breast cancer. And the studies are all longitudinal studies, not random assignment studies, which makes a huge difference in assessing the data. Anyway, I’m too tired to repeat the argument he made right now, but I could have used him in my court when I was resisting chemo. Or after I was hospitalized for neutropenia the first time.

It’s very cool today. The weather isn’t terribly summery right now. It’s supposed to rain tomorrow. How disappointing. I suppose it should get it out of its system now while I'm in convalescent mode. I was so tempted to ride my bicycle today and David forbade me to do so. It's not yet time, but I'm so ansty to get back on it again.

Letting the Healing Process Unfold

I was able to stop taking painkillers yesterday, at least during the day, and that improved my outlook immensely. A woman from my yoga class called and offered to give me a ride to the class and I realized that I could go. I didn’t have to do much once there. I could just lie there and meditate if need be. I was rather nauseated by the ride over, but once there I felt better and was able to participate despite my limitations. It was a very nice place to be, in fact.

I came home and had a light supper with our family, courtesy of Chira. Then people started arriving for a shiva minyan for Sophie. It was very nice to have people here to support us and join in prayers. We have inherited the family photo albums, so we had those on the table and people looked through them. Howard shared stories about Sophie and it was a very lovely evening.

I was able to stay up until about 9 pm. I was amazed at my stamina. Everyone commented on how good I looked so soon after surgery. I guess I did. I was surprised because just the day before I had felt like such a wreck. Several people said they liked my new hair. Brad Yazzolino said that I looked like a wise elder projected from the future. I liked that image.

I went to bed and woke up in the middle of the night in raging pain. Evidently my body doesn’t like being still for too long. I took a couple of oxocodone and eventually the pain calmed down and I was able to go back to sleep. I awoke again with the dawn, which comes pretty early these days, about 4:40 am. The crows have a screaming match about then. My mind was bouncing all around, there were so many things that I had to plan, had to think. And then I finally calmed down and was able to meditate, and allow myself to unfold, experience where I was in the healing process (which is really back to the beginning again) and appreciate being there and not try to be anywhere else. I went down to have breakfast with David before he left for work. After he left, I went back upstairs and fell asleep for another hour or so.

So yesterday was a “good” day. I’m paying for it today in terms of more limited energy, but that’s to be expected. This is how the healing process works, two steps forward, one step back. As I get better, I’m able to take better care of myself. I’m able to take supplements now. I can do some limited cooking. I can face taking a tablespoon full of fish oil (which is a great anti-inflammatory but it’s too gross to contemplate when I’m nauseated). I can remember to meditate. I even took a 10 minute walk this morning, and that was plenty for this stage of recovery. I hope to take another one tonight, but I’m not going to push it if I’m not up for it. And I’m grateful that during the day I don’t have to take painkillers.

Picky, picky...

Phew! Getting stabbed in the chest, having parts removed and parts inserted is always traumatic, no matter how well intentioned the stabber. I had surgery on Friday as planned and it well as could be expected, no complications at all. However, surgery is never pleasant. I woke up in the recovery room and immediately threw up. Fortunately I was too out of it to worry about inconveniencing the nurses. They mopped me up and then I threw up again and yet again. The hospital was very full that day so I stayed in recovery for four hours waiting for a room to open up. David got off of work early to spend time with me only to be relegated to a waiting room until I was assigned a hospital room. The good news was that I was under anesthetic for only two and a half hours instead of four as I had originally been told.

The mastectomy I had in September was a relatively painless procedure. This, however, was not. In order to insert the expander, it is necessary to tuck it between some muscles and muscles do not like being moved around. It was excruciating. In order to have any effect on the pain, I had to take a relatively high dosage of oxycodone but that made me dizzy so I kept trying to cut down the dose, only to regret having done so.

It’s day three after surgery today and I’ve managed to get the dose down to 5 mg every four hours. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning around food. It’s not like I need a lot of it, but I need very specific things (vegan, lots of fruits and veggies, lots of fiber) and I wasn’t good at communicating my needs. I wasn’t good at communicating in general. I felt frustrated by temporary aphasia induced by the drugs. I got quite annoyed at Howard for not reading my mind, all the while being aware that I was being unfair. He was happy to help once I got specific enough and ran to the store to get the things I need. However, I did feel a sense of despair when, after I had asked for peaches, he provided me with a rock hard peach. It made me realize just how specific I needed to be. I should have asked for a ripe peach. I got out of bed, made my way down to the kitchen, put the peach in the bag with all the other unripe peaches and in the process, found some cherries that he had just bought that were edible.

Food continues to be an issue for me. I’m not eating a lot so when I eat, I need it to be good quality. I remain on the verge of nausea, so taking supplements isn’t appealing at present. I know this is all temporary and I’ll be able to cook and shop very soon. When I get too hungry I get very emotional and unreasonable and then nothing sounds good to me. Recovery is a complicated process. I can’t afford to alienate my caregivers, but it’s so hard when I’m in pain and don’t have enough fuel in me to function.

Once I ate the cherries, I was able to find some muesli and flaxseed to eat. Chira made me a smoothie for a late lunch and that helped get me back on track again. I made some pea soup earlier, but that having made it, it seemed less appealing. I’m not usually picky, but at present it’s difficult to find things that I can deal with easily.

All in all, though, I continue to improve. It’s a process and it takes time. I knew this would be difficult and it is. I had rapid-fire nightmares last night, one after the other. I almost never have nightmares. They took place in a very high tech library. It was as if I was playing a game that couldn’t be won, no matter what strategy I tried and the outcome, if I failed, was very serious indeed. I hope to sleep better tonight.

A Death, but Life Goes On

Howard and Sophie - photo by Petra

Howard’s mother, Sophie, died on Monday. He went down to care for her last week. It was a pretty intense time for him. She kept nearly dying, then reviving. He finally flew home on Saturday so that he could attend Gavi’s recital on Sunday (which was delightful, by the way). She died on Monday morning. She died in her sleep, in her bed, with a wonderful caretaker on hand. It all went as well as these things do.

The funeral is on Friday. I won’t be able to make it because I have surgery scheduled for that day. David will drop me off at the hospital in the morning and Beth and Liz will pick me up at the hospital the next day and bring me home. It’s one of those instances where a crystal ball would have come in so handy when making my original plans for surgery. I would love to be able to make it to the funeral to say my goodbyes and see the relatives that show up. I was very fond of Sophie. She was a delight, particularly in her later years. She aged well.

However, rescheduling surgery isn’t a good idea. I’d have to put it off for another month and that wouldn’t work at all since everyone is taking off for the Oregon Country Fair and Chautauqua in a month.

I’m having breast reconstruction. I figured it was now or never. I’m having a breast reduction on the left side and an expander put in on the right. It will be a four hour surgery. The mastectomy was an hour and a half, so this is a much bigger deal.

The good news is that my energy level has improved to about 85-90%. I went to see Barbara MacDonald, my naturopath, this morning and she was very pleased with my progress. She says that I’m in great shape for someone who just went through chemo and that usually she doesn’t expect to see this level of recovery until people are nine months out. I attribute this turnaround to the colon hydrotherapy. I had another couple of treatments earlier this week. I really think it’s a great idea after chemo. She also concurred that I should take it easy this summer and not try to work. She said that people who push themselves too hard after chemo are the ones who end up with a lot of problems.

A Question about Converting the Bike Friday

Beth, who is my bicycling hero, and who has a blog http://bikelovejones.livejournal.com/ that I love to read, has been following my blog and had a question about the Bike Friday conversion:

From: Beth
Sent: Saturday, June 09, 2007 6:47 PM
Subject: e-bikes research and solutions

WOW. You are serious about this, aren't you? Way to go on assembling
the data.

I think it's great that you're able to identify that you're a Bike
Friday "lifer".
This is something I hear often from Bike Friday users; once they get
one and start riding it, they never really want to ride anything else.
I wonder about the ease of getting on and off the bike with where
you've imagined the motor. Also, how foldable will it be with the
battery on top? Will you need to just keep it as an unfolded bike for
the long term? How important IS foldability in your Big Picture?


Hi Beth,

Actually, the battery comes off so the foldability won't be affected. However, in my somewhat weakened state, I won't be able to lift the bicycle into my car without taking the front wheel with the hub motor off the bicycle since the motor adds 13 pounds. But that isn't so hard to do. And I won't have to be rescued so much if I have a motor on the bicycle, so I shouldn't be folding it that much.

The motor is in the hub of the front wheel (one buys the whole wheel with the hub motor already in it - in my case I have a 20" wheel). It's the battery that sticks up lumpily from the crossbar. I'll just have to sling my leg over it like I was riding on a regular diamond frame bicycle. I prefer the step-through aspect of the BF design, but I like that one can lock the battery to the frame with this type of battery - it locks down on the water bottle nuts with a key. Alternately, this particular battery has a handle on it that I can pass a cable through if I want to strap it to my back rack. The battery is expensive and I would hate to have it stolen. It's also 13 or 14 pounds so I don't want to lug it around with me when I park the bicycle. I also have to get a converter for the bicycle motor which is another thing to figure out, but it's a lot smaller than the battery.

The beauty of the conversion is that I can un-convert it at a moment's notice by taking the battery off, changing the front wheel (and leaving all the wires on the bike for convenience) and it becomes its old self again. It's not unusual to turn a folding bike into an ebike but I don't know anyone who has done it to a BF yet. I found a youtube video of a folding brompton turned into an ebike which was pretty cool: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAM-Oh-gfrM

The odd thing about all of this is that ebikes are pretty much in their infancy. Most people who are converting bikes are figuring this out as they go along. Here's a link to one woman's story about converting a Walmart cheap bike to a 35 mph speed machine: http://www.ebikeproject.com/home.html
Cheap bikes are the best for this because they have steel frames. Converting a Bike Friday is sort of gilding a lily. But I'm not proposing turning it into a speed machine . The motor I'm looking at isn't huge. It should go about 15 miles per hour. And my BF has steel front forks, which is the important thing. Steel fails slowly so one has some warning before it gets critical whereas aluminum will fail all at once.

Ebike Research: Conversion of Existing Bicycle

I've been researching electric bicycles obsessively lately and I'm showing the top four contenders in today's blog entries. This is a picture of the Bike Friday New World Tourist, which is the type of bike that I own (except mine is red and has a back rack). It's a folder and I love it. It's about a foot shorter than a regular bicycle. Despite the small wheels, it's geared to go as fast as a larger bicycle. It has 27 gears. It fits in the trunk of my car with very little hassle. Although I'm loathe to mess with it, I think that converting my beloved Bike Friday is the best way to go.

If I put the motor on the front wheel (I pasted a picture of the motor on the wheel in the picture above) then I could simply change the wheel back to a normal wheel and take the battery off when I wanted it to be a regular bicycle again. I've been talking to the John and Tim (the owners) and Forest (their young assistant) at Scoot On This on Foster Road in Portland. They are willing and able to help install the system while I'm recovering from surgery.

I'm quite adamant about using an NiMH battery and may go with the one I've pasted on this bicycle. Its a 10Ah 36V battery from ATIV Solutions. The range on it is 10-15 miles (but with pedaling one can go further). The wheels are 20" which go slower than larger wheels, about 15 miles per hour. I could also go with a battery from Cleverchimp (see next blog entry for more about them because they are very cool). John at Scoot on This is helping me research NiMH batteries. Normally customers at his shop go with SLA (sealed lead acid) batteries, since they are cheaper, but NiMH are more environmentally friendly so I prefer going that way. I still don't have an estimate on this system, but I think we are looking at the $800 range. Since it uses my existing bicycle, it's the cheapest of the possiblities that I'm considering. The other advantage is that it's one less bicycle in our garage, which is already quite crowded, with around 12 bicycles, a trailer, and assorted bicycle gear. Our cars live on the street, however. We have our priorities in order.

I tried out a normal sized bicycle the other day to see if I wanted to convert that, but it just felt huge and weird to me. I'm a true Bike Friday convert and I don't see the point of ever riding anything else. However, the entries that follow are the other ideas that I have been considering.

Ebike Research: Stokemonkey

This is the Stokemonkey by Cleverchimp, which is the most intriguing of the electric models. It's a cargo bike and can carry huge loads up steep hills. Basically, one takes an existing bicycle (like my old Trek 7300) and then one puts a Xtracycle hitchless trailer on it, moving the rear wheel back so that the motor can fit onto the triangle where the wheel used to be. Todd at Cleverchimp has adapted a Crytalyte motor to be a pedal assist. This is a bicycle meant to replace a car. It's extra long and very strong. The basic conversion kit including the motor, controller, battery and Xtracycle hitchless trailer is $1350, which is such a deal for what it is. Unfortunately, they are still tweaking the system and they will be out of new kits until late summer. They have a great new store on 9th just south of SE Hawthorne in Portland that is worth a visit. They are selling some fabulous Dutch bicycles. However, after thinking this over this is too much bicycle for me. It's big and long. I don't need to replace a car, I need to get help pedaling a bicycle. Todd was in agreement with me and suggested a conversion. I may go with the Cleverchimp battery, however. I'm looking into that.

Ebike Research: The Izip Trekking Enlightened Electric Bicycle

This is a 24V model from Currie. It's intriguing because it's more bicycle-like than the Ezee Fort or the Crystalyte conversion since it is pedal assist (meaning the motor does not engage unless one is pedaling). The battery is concealed in the down bar. It's from Superkids in Van Nuys, California, and costs $1399, which is very steep in terms of price. The shipping is free, though. I like the way it looks. A picture of an Izip in an article about Ed Begley, Jr. in the NY Times Magazine is what first got me thinking about ebikes. There's no way to try the Izip out, however, and because it's relatively new, there are no reviews that deal with its longevity or ratings for hills. I was going to have Howard check it out when he was visiting his mom, but then his visit turned into something very different that he originally intended.

Ebike Research: The Ezee Forte

Here is the Ezee Forte. It’s fast and strong, with a 36V motor and throttle control, but it’s expensive, around $1800. It can be found at http://electricvehiclesnw.com/ in Seattle. It costs about $200 to ship, so it’s completely out of my price range. However, for a complete electric bicycle it's very nice.

Gainfully Unemployed

This last week was a momentous week. My job ended on May 31st. I rented a truck and with Howard and Gavi’s help, I moved my stuff out of the office. I expected the experience to be bittersweet because I had really enjoyed my job, but instead I felt much lighter. I was elated, in fact. Although I haven’t been working all that much these past couple of months, it was an ever-present pressure in my life. I worked as much as I was able and I was always pushing myself to go into the office. Now I don’t have to do that anymore. Of course, I will miss the people that I worked with everyday at the office and my bosses in Los Angeles as well. I was very blessed to have been a part of that project. But now I have the summer off. I’m so glad.

The other thing I was struggling with last week was low energy. All’s Well That Ends Well is a colon hydrotherapy practice that offers free treatments to Project Quest clients who are cancer survivors. I decided to take advantage of their services. They recommend two treatments back to back (one followed by another the next day) to start out. My first appointment was last Tuesday. I was somewhat apprehensive and it was a rather odd experience, but Paddy, who is a recovering social worker, took great care of me through the process. I won’t go into great detail, but suffice to say that I had a lot of detoxing to do. It was a very active process and I left tired. I felt sort of light-headed so I didn’t do any errands afterwards as I had planned but instead went directly home for a nap. However, I didn’t nap at all because I couldn’t fall asleep. Instead I meditated for about 45 minutes. Then I got up, had a little light lunch and rode my bicycle to Max at Lloyd Center (about 2 miles), and rode Max to the office.

I hadn’t felt that energetic in a while. I worked for about four hours, then decided to take the Max back to the Lloyd Center again. However, once I was on the Max, it broke down. I waited for about fifteen minutes with the other commuters on the stalled car, and then decided to ride. I ended up riding all the way home, about four and a half miles, much of it uphill. It was a minor miracle. I thought I would pay for that lavish expenditure of energy the next day, but I felt pretty good. Certainly I didn’t feel 100% of normal, but at least 65%, which is a lot better than before the colon hydrotherapy. That night I found myself running up and down stairs, doing the laundry, putting away stuff, and in general, acting like someone who was pretty normal, not half dead.

After the second treatment, my energy was up to 75%. It’s continuing to rise, slowly but surely. I can actually contemplate having surgery. I’m amazed at the rapid improvement. It feels so great to have some reserves, to not feel like I’m running on empty all the time.

At the same time, Lysanji gave me a new homeopathic remedy a day or two before the colon hydrotherapy so that was kicking in as well. All these things have conspired to get me back on my feet again.

Of course, I’m looking at subjecting myself to major surgery, so I’ll be down and out of it soon enough. It will be a four hour operation, twice as long as the mastectomy. That’s pretty scary to contemplate. I’ll have a breast reduction on one side and an expander put in on the other. The expander will get expanded once a week or so with saline until it matches the size of the other breast. I’m told it’s surprisingly painful We’ll see how surprised I really am. After the expander does its job I'll undergo surgery once again and have an implant put in. I've talked to several women who have had it done and they are all generally positive about the outcome so I guess I'll do it.

On Thursday I went to a retreat at the Menucha Center. It was named by Julius Meyer, who made his fortune as a department store owner. He was the Meyer of Meyer and Frank. He also became a governor of Oregon. He bought an amazing piece of property overlooking the Columbia Gorge for a summer place, just outside of Corbett on the Old Scenic Highway. It’s a beautiful piece of land with gorgeous views of the Columbia. It was beautiful, green and peaceful there. The retreat was run by Cancer Care Resources and for women who had completed treatment (or nearly so) and were contemplating the next phase. We did some group therapy, movement, and made a collage. It was very contemplative and not overscheduled so there was time to process, hang out, take walks, and meditate. The women who attended and who ran it were all quite wonderful. I made had fun making a collage which was a first since I generally dislike making them. However, I kept finding images that spoke to me and I managed to put them together in a structure that worked for me. The food was good with excellent vegetarian choices. There were some great desserts that I didn’t need to eat, but did. All in all, I had a wonderful time. It was very healing.

I came home on Saturday afternoon and took a nice long nap and in the evening David and I went to the opening of the Riksmuseum show at the Portland Art Museum. It featured a lot of Rembrandts and other Dutch painters. I loved it. Then we had a buffet dinner. I concentrated on eating the vegetables, of course.

On Sunday, after several hours of reading the paper, David and I went to visit Scoot On This, which is a small ebike business out on SE Foster Road and 98th. It’s run by two gay men and their young assistant, Forest, who looks like a surfer dude. We happily chatted about converting bicycles to electric power. They were very knowledgeable and helpful. So now I have even more choices. I keep toying with different possibilities. I’m tempted to go with something fairly inexpensive since the dire nature of our economic situation is coming to roost. I'm hampered by the fact that there are so few models to actually ride to get a feel for them. One would think that electric bicycles would be more popular in this era of dwindling resources. It costs about 5 cents to go about 20 miles. I suppose I needn't be in such a hurry to get one since I'll be spending weeks recovering from surgery.

Howard is now in LA tending to his mom who is in the process of shuffling off this mortal coil, except that she keeps reviving. The hospice nurses are amazed at her ability to rebound. They thought she was going to die weeks ago, but she's still alive, although her quality of life isn't great. She was moved out of the retirement home yesterday because she needs 24 hour care. She's back in her old home which is in escrow now and recently repainted for the sale. There are a few pieces of token furniture left but it's not as she left it. Howard is sleeping in the living room and they just hired a 24 hour a day caretaker. I talked to Howard today and he sounds really beat. It's such a primal thing to have one's mother die. He's emotionally wrung out. He doesn't know how long he'll stay there with her. I would like to have him around for my surgery, but I also believe that attending the death of one's mother is pretty important and I can probably muddle through without him. I've had to muddle through without him a lot during our marriage.