Picky, picky...

Phew! Getting stabbed in the chest, having parts removed and parts inserted is always traumatic, no matter how well intentioned the stabber. I had surgery on Friday as planned and it well as could be expected, no complications at all. However, surgery is never pleasant. I woke up in the recovery room and immediately threw up. Fortunately I was too out of it to worry about inconveniencing the nurses. They mopped me up and then I threw up again and yet again. The hospital was very full that day so I stayed in recovery for four hours waiting for a room to open up. David got off of work early to spend time with me only to be relegated to a waiting room until I was assigned a hospital room. The good news was that I was under anesthetic for only two and a half hours instead of four as I had originally been told.

The mastectomy I had in September was a relatively painless procedure. This, however, was not. In order to insert the expander, it is necessary to tuck it between some muscles and muscles do not like being moved around. It was excruciating. In order to have any effect on the pain, I had to take a relatively high dosage of oxycodone but that made me dizzy so I kept trying to cut down the dose, only to regret having done so.

It’s day three after surgery today and I’ve managed to get the dose down to 5 mg every four hours. I had a bit of a meltdown this morning around food. It’s not like I need a lot of it, but I need very specific things (vegan, lots of fruits and veggies, lots of fiber) and I wasn’t good at communicating my needs. I wasn’t good at communicating in general. I felt frustrated by temporary aphasia induced by the drugs. I got quite annoyed at Howard for not reading my mind, all the while being aware that I was being unfair. He was happy to help once I got specific enough and ran to the store to get the things I need. However, I did feel a sense of despair when, after I had asked for peaches, he provided me with a rock hard peach. It made me realize just how specific I needed to be. I should have asked for a ripe peach. I got out of bed, made my way down to the kitchen, put the peach in the bag with all the other unripe peaches and in the process, found some cherries that he had just bought that were edible.

Food continues to be an issue for me. I’m not eating a lot so when I eat, I need it to be good quality. I remain on the verge of nausea, so taking supplements isn’t appealing at present. I know this is all temporary and I’ll be able to cook and shop very soon. When I get too hungry I get very emotional and unreasonable and then nothing sounds good to me. Recovery is a complicated process. I can’t afford to alienate my caregivers, but it’s so hard when I’m in pain and don’t have enough fuel in me to function.

Once I ate the cherries, I was able to find some muesli and flaxseed to eat. Chira made me a smoothie for a late lunch and that helped get me back on track again. I made some pea soup earlier, but that having made it, it seemed less appealing. I’m not usually picky, but at present it’s difficult to find things that I can deal with easily.

All in all, though, I continue to improve. It’s a process and it takes time. I knew this would be difficult and it is. I had rapid-fire nightmares last night, one after the other. I almost never have nightmares. They took place in a very high tech library. It was as if I was playing a game that couldn’t be won, no matter what strategy I tried and the outcome, if I failed, was very serious indeed. I hope to sleep better tonight.