Recap of the Week

Heres another photo by Stephan, this time of Jasper and the youngest Stage Left kids. Tiny Napolean is standing next to Jasper and Tiny Stalin is at far left. Jasper did a masterful job of rehearsing them and they were so cute. It was a great way to start out the show.

A whole week has passed somehow. The reviews of the Stage Left show were great. Jasper is very pleased and inspired to go on Chautauqua now. Ah yes, that’s what kept me busy and why I haven’t been writing to the blog. After the fair, we had houseguests, Mark Ettinger and Nancy Levidow. The were both here for a couple of days and since I so rarely get to see either of them, I spent vast swaths of time socializing with them and it was quite satisfying. That took up Monday and Tuesday. Then Diane flew in and the next day was taken up with Howard, Diane and Andrine preparing to leave on Chautauqua.

The weather has been quirky this week, cool and rainy, quite a surprise for July, not that I’m complaining. I much prefer this to the 100+ degree weather earlier in the month. I begin to feel mentally ill when it’s that hot. Howard, Andrine, and Diane had to pack the car in the pouring rain. And then they drove to Spokane and ended up camping in the pouring rain. They used my Enormous Tent and it kept them surprisingly dry. I wasn’t quite sure how it would hold up, but was pleased to hear that it did well.

David flew out on Thursday in time for the show in Spokane. He will be on the whole tour. I’m a little wistful that I’m not going, but it sounds a lot more grueling that I can handle at present.

My health continues to improve. I’m no longer feeling fragile. My energy is not up to par yet, but I was able to participate in cleaning up the kitchen after cooking a meal last night, which is a milestone. One wouldn’t think that participating in cleaning up the kitchen was such a thrill, but it means a lot to be able to be useful. The house is still in disarray, but I figure I’ll get around to it slowly but surely and with half of our house population away on Chautauqua (and the messier half at that) it will continue to improve around here.

I spent the last two days at a workshop on Co-Occurring Disorders, which was a bit basic, but interesting enough. I’m applying for jobs here and there and I thought it would be a good idea to get a refresher course since I haven’t been dealing with mental health patients for a couple of years. The class was fun and engaging and got me enthused again. I’m thinking of taking an on-call position at an agency I’m interested in to see if it’s a good fit. If I like it, I can take a full time job there, assuming that they like me. If not, well, nothing lost. And I can work as my health permits instead of jumping into something full time.

Recap of the Fair on Saturday

Photo by Stefan Freelan

I spent the weekend at the Oregon Country Fair. I drove down with Brad and Nadine and Sylvia on Friday night. We got caught in very awful traffic and stopped for an indifferent meal (much to Nadine’s chagrin because the beloved taqueria in Woodburn had evidently changed hands to a much less competent crew). After many trials and tribulations, we finally made it to Eugene to stay at a condo of a friend of Lucy’s. We even managed to see Lucy briefly.

After a solid night’s rest, we made our way to the fair. Of course, my pass wasn’t there. This year Mark had made it possible for me to go with a pass from Du Caniveaux, but the people at the gate had given my pass to a teen so only the teen pass was left in the envelope and, well, there’s no one on God’s green earth who will mistake me for a teen. However, I hung out for a while at the entertainment booth while several phone calls were made and eventually a pass appeared.

Then I walked to the Craft’s Lot and wended my way to the back of Stage Left and slipped through the gate. And there it was, the fair as I know it, a bunch of tents and folding chairs and people in strange and colorful costumes, and lots of familiar faces.

I’m allotted a small amount of energy each day and I had already used it up getting to the fair, negotiating the pass, and walking to our camp, but I had expected that. I got lots of hugs and everyone told me how marvelous I looked, which is always nice to hear, especially since I had such a rough year. At the last fair, I was only there for a day, reeling from the shock of diagnosis. This time, I was an old hand at medical indignities and setbacks and a damned sight more relaxed, just glad to have pulled through.

Andrine and Howard had set up the Enormous Tent for David before he got there. It’s something that I bought a couple of years ago for the Red Ukelele show to store myself and lots of props, instruments, and costumes. David now loves it because he can store his tuba and its case.

Joey Pipia kept walking by me without any acknowledgement until he finally asked me the time and suddenly realized that it was me in front of him. It was interesting to see people on the path who I knew well who looked right through me. Sometimes such anonymity was a blessing, though. There were a couple of people I didn’t need to talk to that would have accosted me if I still had long red hair.

Jasper wrote the show this year so of course I went to see it and it was great. He pulled it together at the last moment despite all our trepidations. Fortunately, he is quite talented so he can indulge in Last Minute Productions. And he had quite a few acts cancel at the last moment, so he had to back and fill quite a bit. However, the show was a hit. It was funny and well attended.

I stayed back in the Stage Left camping area for the most part that day, making a few forays for food. I went to the seafood both because Howard told me that Wendel was there. Wendel was a member of a juggling club that Gregg and I had many years ago in Port Townsend. Gavi and his daughter were toddlers then. Now they are about to graduate from college. Wendel gave me a plate of food, which Howard and I shared. Then we got some food for Jasper and wandered back to Stage Left. Jasper was pretty happy to get fed at that point. He was wired and tired from the responsibility of the show. I know the feeling having been in that position a few times myself. It was great to do the handoff to the next generation. Gavi wrote a lot of the music as well.

Gavi hadn’t slept in days. He spent his nights up at Du Caniveaux camp playing music. He was looking grubby, exhausted, and happy. It was nice to have my little family together again, although I don’t know if there was ever a moment when we all sat down together.

Jasper’s girlfriend Sarah seemed to fit right in. She danced in the show, she made costumes, and she had an apron with balloons from which she made erotic balloon sculptures. She looked pretty happy.

The glockenspiel sections was notably absent from the band. Jana played a tiny bit in the show, but didn’t march. Peggy blew out her knee before the fair so she didn’t march. And I was certainly in no position to play so I didn’t even bring my instrument. I felt sort of guilty being there without a job, the first time since Gavi’s birth that I haven’t worked, either by marching in the band or by producing a show.

I spent the afternoon show in the tent, not quite napping. The weather was very forgiving this year. Usually it’s pretty hot, especially in the afternoon, but this year clouds would blow in whenever it threatened to get uncomfortably hot and a breeze would whip up and it would be blessedly cool again. I kept thinking it was going to start raining, but it never did.

It’s Too Damn Hot

The high yesterday was 102 degrees at the airport (a record-breaking high for the date), and it was 98.6 here in our little micro-climate at Willow Cottage. I reacted by making huge pots of food, a vegan paella and a corn chowder, which made no sense as everyone is about to leave for the fair and there will be no one to eat leftovers. Everyone said it tasted just like paella; I realized that I had never had paella, since I’m allergic to seafood. It tasted okay to me. I suppose I’ll be eating it for a while. I’ll have to freeze it in small portions. It’s so hard to predict how much people will eat.

The house is in chaos, strewn with camping equipment. We have all sorts of unexpected, if welcome, guests. The Willow Cottage denizens, at least those who are going to the fair, spent the evening tromping around, looking for sleeping pads and tents. David and I made a run to the Joe’s last night to get beach chairs, flashlights, and batteries. I looked at sporting bras, which I desperately need, since I’m changing sizes constantly, but was too tired to try them on. I bought a couple last week and promptly lost one of them, so I’ve been living with just one bra, and it gets soaked with sweat in this heat. I need to sort through all my clothing and possessions and throw out most of them, but it’s too damn hot and I’m not up for any sort of physical labor anyway.

At about 9:30 last night my energy gave out entirely and I had to go to bed, but my office in the attic, where I usually sleep, was an inferno. David cleared a space on his bed and brought my fan down from the attic and pointed it at me. I finally fell into a sweaty sleep while everyone else in the house continued to dash to and fro stashing little items of clothing and equipment in their suitcases.

The central dramas in my life, though, are taking place off stage. Chelle gets her lumpectomy today. I talked to her yesterday as she sat in the ferry line with Hank on her way to the hospital for some preliminary procedure. She sounded pretty good when I talked to her, but she was on Valium at the time. However, today is the day of the real surgery. She’s probably in surgery as I’m writing this. Hank says he’ll call as soon as he hears anything.

My friend who’s on the psych ward is continuing to improve. She’s not so upset or angry and she’s got a great psychiatrist. She’s still somewhat manic. The night before last she was up all night making plans to start a healing retreat in New Mexico. She had also decided to write a bestseller about the medical system in America. I gently told her that she didn’t have to push the river and wear herself out at this point. It was all going to unfold as it was meant to unfold. She just needed to rest, meditate, and observe. She could relate to that. Now I hope she can just do that. I hope I can just do that, too: rest, meditate, and observe.

I talked to her daughter yesterday, who seems to be retaining her sense of humor. My friend was complaining yesterday about another patient on the ward who was in the midst of an intense manic episode and Would Not Shut Up. My friend’s husband and daughter were amused by her annoyance at the other patient’s non-stop rants and informed her that she was much worse when they brought her in. She was pretty stunned to hear that. But she’s slowing down enough to hear that, and to understand how her behavior has been affecting others. I just pray that she can get enough sleep to get grounded. A really dear friend of hers is flying in soon to help out. I had volunteered for the job, but I’m not a good candidate right now. I just don’t have the stamina. Dealing will people who are suffering from mania takes a lot of stamina. I should know.

However, every day and in every way I’m getting better and better. The day before yesterday was a good one. I didn’t crash all day long, meaning that I got through the day in relatively good shape without a nap. I napped a lot yesterday, however, until it got too hot to sleep. But I went to the store and I cooked for a small army (eight of us) yesterday. These would not be huge accomplishments for most people, but that was pretty good for me these days. I celebrate whatever small victories I can.

The clouds are moving in and the current temperature is 68 degrees at 7:30 am. The prediction is for 100 today, even with the clouds. However, the high will go down to 83 by Saturday, and with any luck and I can get my life and sanity back again.

Go Crazy!

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today. Take heaven!
No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in the present little instance. Take peace!
-Fra Giovannin Giocondo

I’ve been reading Anne Lamott’s book, Plan B: Further thoughts on faith and the quote above came from her book, which I love. She’s a Christian and if every Christian were like her I would have no problems with Christianity at all.

She speaks of how to live oneself as a very imperfect, broken being and I can relate to that. She gives me hope that somehow it will all turn out okay, or if it doesn’t, at least there will be something to laugh about along the way.

I don’t know what’s up with the planets lately, and here I’m speaking in an astrological sense, not about my son’s band. I suppose I had a warning a week or so ago when I read the horoscope in Street Roots, which said “Go crazy! Go crazy! Go crazy!” Fortunately, it wasn’t for my sign, but a couple of people in my life seemed to have taken the message to heart and have ended up on their respective psych wards.

One is a dear friend in another part of the country and I’ve been on the phone a lot, with her, her husband, and her daughter. I’ve been so concerned, and I’m feeling so distant in terms of space and logistics, yet very close to her psychically. She’s went gibbering over the edge into the applesauce a few days ago, a manic episode, brought on by lots of anxiety, too little sleep, too little food, and crossing many time zones. Fortunately, every time I talk to her she sounds a little more like her regular crazy self (instead of the clinically psychotic version that recently emerged). Well, it’s all familiar territory to me. Bipolar disorder runs in my family.

Andrine, Howard, David, and I sat at the breakfast table this morning contemplating our crazy families. Andrine’s maternal grandmother was deaf and schizophrenic. Her paternal grandfather fatally shot a man over a checkers game. David’s family is riddled with all sorts of unstable types. One of his uncles fancied himself “prophet unto the last generation” and was famous for ranting on David’s father’s funeral. The other uncle is purported to have murdered his wife, although he was never prosecuted for it. As for me, well, both my mother and brother were institutionalized fairly frequently due to mania. I myself have had a few brushes with mania before I learned to go to bed early and eat regular meals. Only Howard’s family seemed to have escaped insanity. There were times when his parents could induce insanity, but they never seemed to suffer from it themselves.

The temperature is about to rise into the high 90s tomorrow, which always makes me feel slightly suicidal so I may start gibbering soon myself. I’m enjoying the breezes now, these lazy days of summer. Not that it’s possible for me to do much but laze around. I got more saline put into my expander today after an unconscionably long wait at OHSU. I'm still pretty low energy these days. The pain was getting less until I had more saline added. I'll be glad to be done with this episode. Still, it totally beats chemo.

I came home to find that I passed my professional exam. I got 86% and passing was 68% so I suppose I didn’t need to fret as much as I did. Anyway, I’m now a CADC II, which may open up more doors for me. I’ve been applying for jobs, but not hearing anything. I haven’t been called back for any interviews. This probably means that it is just not the time for me to be getting work. I knew that already, but it’s hard to let interesting jobs go by without applying.

Andrine and Howard Save the Day

We had the sewing party today and Nadine was the only non-Willow Cottager to participate. She and I repaired to the kitchen to make lunch and had fun doing that. But Howard and Andrine spent the whole day making costumes for the Stage Left show at Country Fair, fifteen and all. Well, Petra made one of them. Howard did all the cutting, Andrine did all the sewing. It was a huge effort. I was fairly useless, except for the cooking part. Oh, and Nadine and I picked up Howard’s car from the shop so he could concentrate on cutting out costumes. About 4 o'clock I had to go upstairs and take a nap. When I came down an hour and a half later, Andrine and Howard were cleaning up the dining room where they had been working and everything was done. I was so astonished. I called Peggy to let her know that she didn't have to knock herself out to come down here early to finish them up.

Jasper is in charge of the show this year. Normally, we have a sewing party in April, so this was really left until the last moment, despite the fact that I’ve been prodding him since March to supply us with the needed elements (design, patterns, materials) to sew. We got the materials the weekend before the fair. I was in despair because I had no energy to do the physical labor. But Howard and Andrine stepped into the breach and pulled it off.

I’m wildly impatient to get my energy back. I had so little right now. I’m three weeks out from surgery now and I know that I’m right on target in my recovery. After my mastectomy, I was still in pretty rough shape at three weeks out and this last surgery was much more complex, lengthy, and painful. But it annoys me to feel so useless.

Despite my best intentions, I’ve been applying for jobs. I applied for two last week. I’m still in no shape to interview for them, let alone start working, but interesting things are coming my way. And then Roberta called today wanting to start a treatment center out in Clackamas, which would be really fascinating. It’s a commute, of course. That’s the big drawback, but it would be so great to work with her and Akhri out there. I’d love to reassemble the people from our Clackamas RAP group and start a treatment agency, with yoga, gardening, job training, combining all sorts of passions in a big synthesis. Roberta has lots of contacts, irons in the fire, and a line on possible grants. I feel between the three of us, Akhri, Roberta, and myself, we would have a fighting chance to get this thing off the ground. Now if I could only convince my dear friend Dawn to come back from England and join us, that would be an unbeatable combination.

We’re gearing up for the fair here. I didn’t think that I’d be able to go, but Mark found me a camping pass. I’ll come late (Saturday morning) and leave early (Sunday night). I’ll most likely not seem much of the fair, because I don’t have a lot of energy, but at least I can hang around at Stage Left and visit with people. David will take the giant tent so he has a place to put his tuba, and there will be plenty of room for me. Anyway, I’m excited that I’ll be able to do this.

This will be the year that us old farts will make way for the next generation. That's why Jasper is in charge of the show. I'm intrigued to find out what he has come up with. It's not like there's been a lot of information from that quarter.

Our Mothers, Ourselves

I was looking through some of the photographs that Howard brought back from his mother's house and found this one of Sophie and Elizabeth, Howard's mother and my mother. It was probably taken about fifteen years ago, right before my mother became really ill. I still think my mother was one of the most beautiful people I have ever known and I feel so blessed to have been her daughter.


I'm feeling better today, less inclined to chant my new mantra, "Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow." I had a horrible night of insomnia last night. I probably should go watch television when it gets that bad because that always puts me to sleep.


I spent the day working on my new website: www.ebikerevolution.com. Chira (my housemate) helped me put it together. We're working out the bugs, trying to get it organized. It's a huge project, but I figure if I keep at it, it will evolve into something useful. I have conceived it as a launch pad for fomenting the ebike resolution. I'm working on creating a world where we use cars as little as possible, at least here in Portland. I think this has huge implications. I hope to create a forum for discussion and a way to brainstorm about how to transform Portland to a bicycle utopia.


I keep fretting about the employment situation. All sorts of potential jobs keep cropping up and despite my resolutions, I have applied for a couple of them. I really want a job that will not require a car so that I can get rid of mine. I'm determined to shrink my carbon footprint.


My friend Carol is living in Northern England near Lancaster and is being flooded out. She's about to leave there and doesn't know whether or not she'll return to find her house under a layer of mud. She writes:


"I just have to keep that in mind as I go through this horrible process
of letting go of my materialism. I never have thought of myself as
such, but culling through all our stuff, I am truly ashamed. I just got
that even if no deluges come and our sweet, quaint little village
remains in tact, which I fervently hope is the case, this had to
happen. We needed to be electrocuted into consciousness. We must never
again schlep so much stuff from place to place. I truly hope that we're
given enough time to get out of here so that I can give 90% of what we
own to people who need it. I can't wait to get out from under this mess
we've created for ourselves, but it is a great blessing in the guise of
a formidable enemy. What a way to learn non-attachment, eh? When I
said I wanted to lose weight before the celebrations, I had no idea I'd
be put on the Glamour by Refugee Diet! Jesus Christ, it's enough
already! Tomorrow, if this reprieve from being in a homeless shelter
continues, I'm going to toss everything we don't use or wear. That way,
if we do have to get out of here on a moments notice, we easily can.
Oy, do you believe our karma!"


So, that's the lesson of the day, of the month, of the year, of the decade, of our lifetime. Simplify, simplify, simplify. I had a workmate in Port Townsend who lost all her possessions in a house fire. I expressed my sympathy and she said that it some ways it was a relief to lose all those possessions. It was very freeing.


I'm inspired to get rid of some of my possessions. They come so easily to us and they are so hard to part with sometimes.

Summertime Blues

Oh, the glories of summer. David took me to Peninsula Park to see the roses there on Sunday after a lovely brunch at the Bridges Cafe on MLK and Knott. The fountain was spectacular and the scent of the roses was intoxicating.

I've been having a rough time lately. My energy has been flagging and I'm tired of hurting. When I move the stitches are tender and the feel of fabric on my breasts is painful. I suppose staying still is the answer, but I'm not good at that. It's been a frustrating time for me. At first, after the operation, I was making steady progress day by day. Now I seem to have hit a plateau.

My frustration is compounded by lack of progress on the ebike front. Getting an ebike should not be this difficult, but distributors are out of the motor that I want. Chira is helping me put a website together and I've been working on that to while away the time.

A large box of fabric has arrived for costumes for the fair. Unfortunately, none of the seamsters and seamstresses can make it to the party and I don't have the mobility or the energy to do all the work myself. It's quite frustrating. Peggy is coming down a week from tomorrow to do a constume or two, but fifteen are needed.

Fourth of July is almost upon us and it is beginnint to heat up. This may account for my grumpiness and feeling of dissatisfaction. I don't deal with heat well at all. And contemplating the absence of my family for many weeks on end while they go on Chautauqua without me isn't helping matters.