Go Crazy!

No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today. Take heaven!
No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in the present little instance. Take peace!
-Fra Giovannin Giocondo

I’ve been reading Anne Lamott’s book, Plan B: Further thoughts on faith and the quote above came from her book, which I love. She’s a Christian and if every Christian were like her I would have no problems with Christianity at all.

She speaks of how to live oneself as a very imperfect, broken being and I can relate to that. She gives me hope that somehow it will all turn out okay, or if it doesn’t, at least there will be something to laugh about along the way.

I don’t know what’s up with the planets lately, and here I’m speaking in an astrological sense, not about my son’s band. I suppose I had a warning a week or so ago when I read the horoscope in Street Roots, which said “Go crazy! Go crazy! Go crazy!” Fortunately, it wasn’t for my sign, but a couple of people in my life seemed to have taken the message to heart and have ended up on their respective psych wards.

One is a dear friend in another part of the country and I’ve been on the phone a lot, with her, her husband, and her daughter. I’ve been so concerned, and I’m feeling so distant in terms of space and logistics, yet very close to her psychically. She’s went gibbering over the edge into the applesauce a few days ago, a manic episode, brought on by lots of anxiety, too little sleep, too little food, and crossing many time zones. Fortunately, every time I talk to her she sounds a little more like her regular crazy self (instead of the clinically psychotic version that recently emerged). Well, it’s all familiar territory to me. Bipolar disorder runs in my family.

Andrine, Howard, David, and I sat at the breakfast table this morning contemplating our crazy families. Andrine’s maternal grandmother was deaf and schizophrenic. Her paternal grandfather fatally shot a man over a checkers game. David’s family is riddled with all sorts of unstable types. One of his uncles fancied himself “prophet unto the last generation” and was famous for ranting on David’s father’s funeral. The other uncle is purported to have murdered his wife, although he was never prosecuted for it. As for me, well, both my mother and brother were institutionalized fairly frequently due to mania. I myself have had a few brushes with mania before I learned to go to bed early and eat regular meals. Only Howard’s family seemed to have escaped insanity. There were times when his parents could induce insanity, but they never seemed to suffer from it themselves.

The temperature is about to rise into the high 90s tomorrow, which always makes me feel slightly suicidal so I may start gibbering soon myself. I’m enjoying the breezes now, these lazy days of summer. Not that it’s possible for me to do much but laze around. I got more saline put into my expander today after an unconscionably long wait at OHSU. I'm still pretty low energy these days. The pain was getting less until I had more saline added. I'll be glad to be done with this episode. Still, it totally beats chemo.

I came home to find that I passed my professional exam. I got 86% and passing was 68% so I suppose I didn’t need to fret as much as I did. Anyway, I’m now a CADC II, which may open up more doors for me. I’ve been applying for jobs, but not hearing anything. I haven’t been called back for any interviews. This probably means that it is just not the time for me to be getting work. I knew that already, but it’s hard to let interesting jobs go by without applying.