Oh, No! I Forgot to Trust in the Universe!

It’s been a rough week for me. I’m so tired of being tired. My mind is ready to move on to the next phase of my life and my body is not. I’m still in the healing phase and it’s pissing me off. I’ve been in a snit brought on by my wild impatience to be fully recovered.

I keep watching the job postings and feeling a sense of despair because I know that I’m in no shape to take on a 40 hour a week job. Even a part time job would be a bit much right now.

I went to an Ayruvedic practitioner last Friday. I rode my electric bicycle there, a distance of about seven miles. He said I had no business riding that far, even with the electric assistance. Instead the most I should be doing is walking for 20 minutes twice a day. He said I should meditate and breathe a lot. He says I’m still far too overtaxed from chemo and surgery. He’s absolutely right. However, that realization put me into a funk.

I went on strike this week. I stopped taking vitamins. I didn’t go for walks. I didn’t meditate. I didn’t do much of anything but sit around and mourn my losses. I’ve lost my health, my job, and my sense of myself of an effective person in the world. The point is, I’ve got a lot of grieving to do. And grieving takes time. It comes in waves. It doesn’t do any good to ignore it. I know this for a fact. And the healing process is going to take its own sweet time.

I talked to my therapist today, who was very helpful. Thank goodness for the reality check. She pointed out that when I was first diagnosed I didn’t really slow down. I kept working while my co-worker went through her chemotherapy and I took on her clients as well as my own. Then I had surgery, chemo, and then surgery again. Now I have the opportunity to process it all and what it means to me.

I talked to Lynn, a member of our now-dispersed support group and she’s going through a similar process. She finds herself beset by anger and grief these days. Now that we are done with the surgery, radiation (in her case), chemo (in my case), you’d think we’d be a little happier, but no, there’s still more emotion to wade through.

I survived the chemo, barely, and then once I was only slightly better I had reconstructive surgery which really pulled the rug out under my feet. I’m still trying to climb back on to that rug. In fact, I’m still trying to find the damned rug.

Meanwhile, on the up side, I’m making plans to visit friends. I’m going up to see my dear friend Chelle tomorrow and then it’s on to Port Townsend to see Ande before she goes off to graduate school in Massachusetts. Howard is going to go with me. For once we'll take a trip together. We rarely spend time together these days so this will be a good thing. I tend to isolate when I'm in a negative mood, but that's not very useful. He's very helpful and supportive if I give him the opportunity.

Also, in terms of being more positive. I’ve started playing the banjo again. I gave it up as I became weak with chemo, but now I'm strong enough to enjoy playing it. I’ll probably never be any good at it, but it does cheer me up. I’ll keep at it, though. It’s part of my plan for the afterlife. When I was a child I was told by a playmate that I could never get into heaven because I hadn’t been baptized. Instead, I could only go to the front porch of heaven. I figured that as long as I was going to spend eternity on the front porch of heaven, it made sense to learn to play the banjo.

I talked to my nephew Bruce last night about cancer. He survived testicular cancer and has been disease free for 18 years. He kept wanting to know what I’m learning from this. His lesson seemed to be to get focused, prioritize, and get moving. Mine seems to be the opposite, about slowing down, learning to trust in the universe, and learning not to push myself so dammed hard. It’s not a lesson I find easy to absorb.

As I go though all these trials and tribulations, mainly bourn out of my own impatience, I realize that my main problem one that my EFT group pinpointed at the last meeting: “Oh, no. I forgot to trust in the Universe!” Well, here’s to trusting in the universe a little more. I will find the right job at just the right time. I’ll keep looking and trusting that I will recognize it when it appears. After all, I recognized the last one when the time was right. It’s not the time for it to appear and therefore it isn’t showing up. And that, as my hero Stuart Smalley would say, is okay. Everything is unfolding as it is supposed to. I just have to get on board with the Plan (not my plan, but the Master Plan). As my mother used to say, long before John Lennon did, life is what happens to you when you're making other plans.