Knocked Flat, Dreaming of Better Days

It’s two days after chemo and the dexamethazone is wearing off. That’s the steroid that prevents nausea and makes one feel better. I can feel myself slowing down quite a bit. My muscles and bones ache. I know I should exercise, but…I missed yoga today. The drive over there seemed impossible to accomplish. I look forward to teleportation being invented very soon.

We had our little family party last night, our gift exchange. Andrine drew my name and got me Yaktrax, sort of snow chains for your shoes. Now I’m sort of looking forward to an ice storm. And she got me the book about the woman doctor who treated herself for breast cancer while at the Antarctica. I suppose it’s another opportunity to play the Pollyanna Glad Game. At least I’m home in my comfy bedroom instead of trapped on a big hunk of ice with howling winds and cold temperature in the -80 degree range, trying to tell my colleagues how to operate on me.

I feel like a truck backed over me tonight. The neulasta is making my bones ache. I’m tired. My appetite is non-existent. I tried eating dinner but nothing looked good. It’s that two days after chemo feeling. I’m definitely slowing down. I’m watching TV, which is always a bad sign for me since I really dislike it as a general rule. However, when my brain isn’t working well enough to read, it does help pass the time. I can’t believe there are people who work while doing chemo.

I tried listening to the radio but they’re talking about Saddam Hussein’s execution, not the sort of topic I can deal with at present. There’s evidently a rush to get it done before some Sunni holiday that starts at dawn. I don’t think this sort of timing will mollify anyone.

On a brighter note, my email box was full of good wishes from friends and I know that I’m not alone. I don’t have the energy to answer tonight, but tomorrow will be another day. I started an email list with members from my support group and they are using it, so that’s working well, especially this week because there was no group.

Howard came up to check on me. He says he got in the habit of avoiding me when he was sick and now he has to get out of the habit again. He had a particularly nasty cold right when I was neutropenic the last time so I was very glad he was a scrupulous as he was about steering clear of me, but he's been well for a while now. I’ve taken to sleeping alone in my office because I toss and turn and wake up at odd hours, but it’s a lonely existence sometimes.

Someday I’ll be energetic again. Someday I’ll ride my bicycle to work again. Someday I’ll make challah on Friday again. It seems so distant now.