First Chemo Treatment

Today was the first chemo treatment. It was okay. I’m a little spacey, but then again, I had surgery yesterday to put in the port and I’m still on pain killers. Oddly enough, the surgery for the port was more painful than the mastectomy. Go figure. It was really painful last night, but I did a lot of tapping to bring down the pain and speed the healing. By the time I got to NWCS, where I’m getting chemo, I was feeling quite good.

The nurse at the NWCS couldn’t have been nicer. She’s been doing this forever and she’s a kind and compassionate soul. She also is highly competent. She knew exactly what she was doing and it was very reassuring. Howard and Andrine went along with me to treatment and spent the first couple of hours there, then Howard had to leave for an eye appointment and Andrine had to go to work, so I just hung out reading House Beautiful, only this time I actually got to read it because I had time to do so. It was cool. I’m normally so rushed I skim everything. I loved just taking the time to actually read stuff that isn’t even terribly important to the future of the world. Jasper came and picked me up. I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with him these past few weeks. That’s another blessing, a chance to spend more time with my family.

But it’s all good. I’m enjoying life in slow-mo. Perhaps this is what it’s all about. I get from my high self committee that I don’t need chemo on a physical level, but I do on a spiritual level, and that it’s preparing me for the next step, whatever that is. It is a nice added benefit that it will probably take care of the existing LCIS (lobular carcinoma in situ) in the remaining breast, if indeed there’s any LCIS left there after all the tapping and meditation.

Anyway, it’s a chance to work on myself for a while. I just have to let go of all expectations right now and let the universe unfold in all its wonder. People keep telling me that it’s a bummer to do chemo, but I’m finding that hard to believe. It’s certainly a journey, and no doubt there will be challenges along the way, but it all seems good to me. I know this episode in my life has a lot to do with learning to slow down, to be patient with myself and others, and to learn to be a human being instead of a human doing.

In fact, it may just be possible that it isn’t up to me to save the world. God knows I’ve tried, but I exhausted myself in the process. Maybe it’s enough just to heal myself right now.

So I’m looking at this as a very special time, a time that I’m going relish, despite all the potential problems that may arise. I have confidence that I can use EFT to tap away most of them, and if not, well, then it will just be more lessons in letting go of the illusion of control.

I came home and took my very old dog on a very slow walk. She’s ancient and inches along. In the past that has made me crazy, but today I was moving slowly enough that I could inch along with her. I think I shall take her on a slow-mo walk every day of decent weather this winter. I really enjoyed being outside. John Rowen was out in his garden, working away and we chatted as we inched our way past him. Then Maggie sat down in his driveway and refused to budge so I had to persuade her to go back home since I couldn’t carry her. The way home was even slower. I reflected upon what a young idiot she used to be, running all over the place, barking at squirrels, and attacking large dogs. She was used to be good for at least five miles as a youngster and now she was unable to make it around the block. Sic transit gloria canicula.