Fixing My House

It’s the wee hours of the morning and I can’t sleep. I had my appointment with Dr. Van Ho yesterday. He agreed with Dr. Luoh that chemotherapy was warranted also. He seems to think that AC+T is overkill in my case since the taxol would only yield a 1% gain in DFS (disease free status after 10 years) compared to the toxicity factor. He is proposing AC every three weeks for four cycles or FEC every three weeks for six cycles. He says FEC is still cardio-toxic but has about half the risks of AC. He prefers FEC for a number of reasons for me, and having gone online and done a little research, I believe that FEC may be the way to go. He’s not so crazy about the T+C option that Dr. Luoh proposed.

I’d like to get started ASAP. If I did, here would be my ideal dates:
Nov. 8
Nov. 29
Dec. 20
Jan. 10
Jan. 31
Feb. 21

AC is tempting since I could have the last treatment by January 10th, but I do think FEC the best option.

I need to get a chest x-ray to make sure my lungs are clear, a bone test, and a heart test, all of which I will schedule ASAP.

While I liked Dr. Luoh, I really liked Dr. Van Ho. He spent a lot of time with David and me, explaining options and answering questions. And he’s not so hostile to naturopathy. In fact, he refers patients to A Woman’s Time and has worked with two of the naturopaths there (although not Barbara MacDonald, who is my naturopath). And NW Cancer Specialist is much closer to our house, which is a huge factor for me. The less driving I have to do, the better.

Anyway, I’m working on getting this put together in the next few days. I’d like to start this soon. The sooner I can start this, the sooner I can end it.

He also wants to check out my estrogen status to see where I am with menopause to get a baseline in order to figure out whether I need tamoxifen (for pre-menopausal women) or an aromatase inhibitor (for post-menopausal women) since I seem to be on the cusp. He’s not just going to assume that because I’m still bleeding I’m pre-menopausal, which is wise of him. Anyway, I liked his thoroughness. David went with me to the appointment and came away with a good impression as well.

I spent Wednesday running errands in anticipation of chemo. I found the pink wig in the garage, finally. I bought a couple more bras that could handle the prosthetic. I laid in some food supplies, supplements, and green tea. I went to a thrift store and bought some pink clothes to go with the wig. I’ll probably buy the more attractive wig I found that looks like me on a good hair day before I lose all my hair.

I went to my support group last night and talked about my decisions about chemotherapy. There were only four of us there and two had been through it already and one was in the midst of it. They all had their horror stories of emergency room visits and hospitalizations due to chemotherapy. This promises to be quite challenging. I have no illusions about how difficult it will be. I have really tried to avoid it, but I have come to realize this is the best way of maximizing my survival.

My thyroid is acting up right now. I had intended to work yesterday but I awoke to a sore throat and a swollen thyroid, probably brought on by the stress of the MRI. I have had subacute thyroiditis in the past, which made me very ill for a very long time (extreme fatigue, five or six weeks of bed rest, 10 days of which was spent spiking a fever of over 103 degrees), so I listen when my body exhibits these symptoms. I didn’t go to work yesterday and I’ll take today off as well. It’s just what I need to do to get through this. I can’t risk getting really ill at this point. I have such a tendency to work even when I feel horrible, and it’s not good. Finally, my thyroid has found a way of getting my attention. I get obsessive about work sometimes. I would really like to be there. However, I’m finding that even when I’m there, I’m not really there yet. I still have some healing left to do from the surgery and now I have to gear up for chemo, which involves a lot of phone calls and medical appointments and tests. Having cancer is a full time job. It’s getting hard to cram in other work as well.

I put off surgery and treatment for a long time in order to wait for my co-worker to get through her chemo. Since I have a fast-growing type of cancer, that may not have been the wisest decision, but I was doing my best to balance the needs of work and my personal health as well. Everyone at work kept insisting that I should put my health first, so it’s not like the pressure was coming from anyone but me. I guess I’m finally doing putting my health first, but it’s still difficult to do.

I had a dream a few nights ago. I was fixing my house, something that had been difficult before but now I was finding it very easy to do. I repaired the front porch and marveled at how smoothly it went. Then I painted the house and it only took a few hours. Gavi was very young and was wandering around. I realized that I couldn’t take care of anyone else if I was going to fix the house. When I would look to find him, I saw that other people were able to take care of him.

So I’m fixing the house of my spirit, this physical body, and I guess I really have to trust that other people can fill in for me when I am unable to work at my regular job (and child care was my most important job for quite a long period of my life so I get the metaphor – thank you, subconscious). As much as I would like to be working at full tilt at my job (or even half tilt) that’s not exactly realistic.