Meditation versus Medication

It’s been one appointment after another these past couple of days. I went it and got a mugga, which is a test to find out how much blood my heart pumps. Bruce, the nurse, drew my blood and handed it over to Rick, a nuclear scientist, who combined it with a couple of different radioactive things. After quite a wait, he reinjected it into my IV, then took lots of pictures. He was a very nice middle aged man with an avuncular demeanor. After the terrors of the MRI, this test was a piece of cake for me. It didn’t bother me a bit. Howard sat in the room with us as I was put into some sort of supersonic contraption that only a mad scientist could dream up, but it wasn't an enclosed space like the MRI. The whole process took a couple of hours from blood draw to finish, but it was okay.

Then I had a chest x-ray, the work of a few minutes, and then I was out of there. Howard had an appointment elsewhere so Jasper picked him up and I took the bus home. I was feeling pretty good so I ran some errands and then went to our communication class.

This morning I had another MRI scheduled at 6:30 am. The idea was to see if the MRI would be different at a different part of my menstrual cycle. Sam, the nurse, put my IV in so that I could have some sort of magnetic material injected into my vein. Sam got it on the first try, much to my relief since I have tiny veins. Then I got onto the table, got positioned and the tech pushed the button so that I would roll into the machine. I go completely panicked. I yelled for her to get me out. I just couldn’t do it. The tech was very sympathetic. She said about 20% of people are claustrophobic and panic like that. Ah, it has a name, claustrophobia. That makes sense. I really don’t like small spaces, never have. Sam came in and asked me if I wanted drugs and I said I couldn’t do benzodiazepines at all. I was ready to bolt out the door. I was so sure that I couldn’t be there. Sam said that we could try benadryl and we did and that worked, thank heaven. I was still pretty freaked out, but I was sleepy and I could stay in the machine for the requisite 45 minutes. The got the images they needed, then the tech helped me down, I got dressed and I was home by 9am.

I was pretty sleepy. My dear friend Sandy Bradley showed up just as I was drifting off so I went to hang out with her for a while, then staggered back to bed for another nap. When I awoke, at about 1 pm I realized that my phone was flashing that I had a message. It had come in at 11:45. It was the doctors office telling me that the MRI results were in and that I should page the doctor. Dr. P. informed me that the new MRI looked considerably better than the one last week, but that they wanted to do an ultrasound immediately because there was one small spot to check out. Sandy drove me up there and we waited and chatted amiably until they could do the ultrasound. The ultrasound showed nothing suspicious at all.

So, after more waiting around, I signed the consent form to have a port put in next Wednesday. I let Dr. V. know what was going on, and scheduled chemo for next Thursday, November 16th. All of the sudden, it’s all falling into place.

Sandy and I fixed dinner, and then I ran off to my support group. I really wanted to spend the evening with her, but my group is so amazing, and I won’t be able to go for the next couple of weeks since I’ll be having chemo on next Thursday and the Thursday after that is Thanksgiving.

I was so grateful that Dr. K was able to read my MRI so quickly and that they were able to fit me into a crowded schedule today. I could still be fretting about this instead of moving ahead. It's so odd to be relieved to be moving towards chemo. I have the hardest time navigating these emotional ups and downs. I'm trying to stay calm and meditate, but it's not always possible. Sometimes you have to medicate instead of meditate.