Before the Diagnosis and Now

The photo is of me and Dawn at the palace on the grounds of Kew Gardens in London last June, prior to my diagnosis (although I had already had a suspicious mammogram and had been dodging the follow-up until after my trip to London). That was a lovely day, but very hot. I was a full 20 pounds heavier then than I am now, now that I’ve been on my Glamour By Death diet plan for the last six months. This photo was taken before my life was turned upside down. Still, I wasn’t feeling very energetic on that trip and I knew that something was off, although the lack of energy was probably due to undiagnosed anemia. I was aware that I might have breast cancer and I was still under the belief that I could meditate cancer away; I was trying very hard to do so. And I was badly in need of a little rest then. The weather was very hot, in the mid 90’s, so it was a good time to laze about tropical London and take it easy and visit old haunts. I attended college in London back when the earth’s crust was warm and I have a great deal of affection for the place, and a few of its inhabitants.

It’s had to believe that the ground was covered in snow a week ago. The temperature is mild, the birds are singing, the sun is shining. It’s glorious. It’s also still January so it’s a little disquieting as well.

Howard is practicing his presentation for Havuarah Shalom this Sunday, his first since going to the training with Al Gore last month, using the slide show that Gore developed as precursor for The Inconvenient Truth . He bought a new projector yesterday and it’s quite impressive, and very portable as well.

Yesterday was a good day, in terms of energy for me. I went for a (short) walk, I went to the library, and I attended a class. I worry that I felt too good. Perhaps the dosage of the last chemo was too low. But perhaps I didn’t need chemo in the first place and I would have been in the 65% that could survive at 10 years with no further treatment. All these things swirl around in my mind continually.

Howard and Andrine are leaving for Los Angeles tonight with Petra in tow. The will visit Howard’s mother, Sophie, and then take Petra to Cal Arts, because she’s applying there. Then they will drive down to San Diego to see Jasper’s play, perhaps bringing Sophie, perhaps not. She 94 years old and may not be up to the trip. However, she’s the original party girl, so she may rally and go anyway. David and I will fly to San Diego the next weekend for a brief stay. I was definitely not up for the complicated trip Howard and Andrine had planned, and the timing was not optimal, given my chemo schedule. The trip David and I have planned is much simpler: fly in, see the play, see the zoo, or at least parts of it (I’ll take a wheel chair), stay a couple of nights at a nice hotel, and fly out again.

The class I went to was a Mind/Body class for breast cancer survivors at Project Quest. It’s a ten week class. Last night we worked on finding a healing symbol through guided imagery, then we drew it. It was a very powerful experience for me and I think I shall work on more drawings of the symbol this week. It gave me a better, clearer image to work with in my healing meditations. And yes, I’m still trying to meditate breast cancer away, it’s just now I have a few more allies, like surgery, chemo, and hormone therapy.