Adjusting to New Realities

I'm trying to come to terms with this new revelation, that I have to have chemotherapy. I spent the last couple of days in tears, completely upset. While it hasn't been decided for sure, the more I understand, the more it looks as if I will have to submit to about four months of chemo.

The oncology board at OHSU (Oregon Health Sciences University) where I had surgery will meet on October 19th and at that point they will determine the treatment protocol for me. I met with my naturopathic oncologist this morning and gave her the pathology report from the mastectomy; she believes I will end up having chemotherapy, given the content of the report. However, she seems to think that it will be possible to work part time throughout it, especially if I take a number of (expensive) supplements and Chinese herbs. The fact that I did so well with surgery argues that chemo will not be unduly debilitating. I started this adventure in excellent physical shape. Also, the chemo for breast cancer isn’t nearly as awful as what my co-worker just went through for non-Hodgekins lymphoma, although it will be unpleasant enough, I’m sure.

I’m trying to take it all one step at a time. The news about the chemo was pretty devastating to me at first, since it was so unexpected. However, the report said they found a grade 3 tumor that was 1.7 cm and another one that was .9 cm: chemo is indicated in that sort of circumstance. Barbara (the naturopathic oncologist) is pretty sure they will recommend AC for two months which entails an injection every two weeks, then a two month course of Taxol, again, every two weeks. There is a very expensive test (not covered by insurance, I’m sure) that I can take to find out if the type of cancer that I have is likely to recur and if it is responsive to chemo. I may opt to do that if my surgical oncologist thinks it makes sense. I don’t want to go through chemo unnecessarily. However, grade 3 means it's aggressive so if chemo will help, I should probably do it.

Of course, my instinct is just to refuse chemo entirely, and I'd have an 83% chance of living another 10 years without any further treatment, and a `13 chance of dying from this form of cancer. Although, there was an 80% chance that the suspicious mammogram didn't indicate cancer and then it was an 80% chance that it would be in situ rather than invasive and in just one spot. I'm learning that with this cancer I always seem to be in the unlucky minority. And I'd definitely like to stay on the planet for a lot longer than ten years and in good health. Four months of chemo (and five years of hormone therapy) to stretch my chances to 90% survival in ten years seems fairly reasonable at this point, espcially when one graphs it out and the difference it makes in surviving increases significantly by the time I'm 75. And I'm planning on living at least until then.

So that's the news. I did a lot of EFT work this morning and and I'm feeling calmer now. Sukkot starts on Friday so Gavi and Jasper built and decorated the Sukkah under the direction of Howard and myself. It's gorgeous. Sukkot is my favorite holiday.

I'm off to my support group this evening and hoping to be able to do yoga tomorrow. I'm beginning to get my physical strength back enough that taking a (short) walk sounds like fun. I couldn't imagine working at this point, but I'm doing much better, especially now that I'm in acceptance mode, or at least getting closer to it.