I went with David to look at wigs yesterday, after checking out websites. I’m sure it will be amusing to be bald but I’d like the option to have hair when I want it, especially since the chemo will be taking place from early November to early March, and being hairless sounds cold. I found a shop that was in Gresham that looked intriguing and indeed, the woman running it was great. She was a hair dresser who had been in the wig business for 30 years. She pulled out the perfect wig immediately and it was in my price range. I didn't buy it because there's still a small chance I won't be doing chemo, but it's a very small chance. I did all my research of medical journals online and indeed, chemo is very much recommended under the circumstances, given the content of my pathology report. Once I get the confirmation from the Oncology Board, I'll buy the wig. I bought a head scarf at the wig shop when I was there because it was pretty and it was cheap. The more prepared I am, the better I'll feel.
I've had a lot of grieving to do. I’m disappointed right now that I can’t get back to life as I know it. I won’t be able to ride my bicycle for at least five months, for instance. All my plans to get a new job once my old one ends seem impractical right now. Everyone assures me that although I’ll feel tired, I can probably keep working, at least part time. Four months of chemo is a long time. I’m in some pain now as well. I was warned this might happen after I had initially responded so well to the mastectomy. The pain is not overwhelming and it's something I can deal with when I'm up and moving around, but it’s enough to keep me from sleeping well. Lack of sleep is taking its toll. I should probably get a prescription filled for a painkiller that's stronger than ibuprofen. I can't use the vicoden that was originally prescribed due to my sensitivity to acetomenophene.
My EFT buddy, Linda, did some tapping with me over the phone which helped me through the initial shock. She was great. I was a such a basket case prior to her interevention. It's so hard to work on yourself during periods of intense emotion. It really does take another person to provide perspective. This is so huge for me I simply can't do it alone.
I’m learning to slow down, to be present in the moment; that's what we tapped on in the EFT session. It’s not a time to strive, or even to plan. It’s time to be a human being, not a human doing. That's proving to be a challenge for me. All I’ve ever wanted to do is save the world. Is that asking too much?
So, it turns out that there’s no easy path out of here, but it’s a journey just the same; it’s time to slow down, not rush around as per usual, but just take it one step at a time.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
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