Out of sorts, out of mind.

It's been an exhausting day, made more so by Howard having a melt down earlier. He stomped around on his crutches fuming about how he hated being in the library and he was stir crazy and it was too small and he wanted to be upstairs (after I had just exhausted making the transfer) and how he didn't have anything he needed. I used to fall all over myself when he gots into these pissy moods and I reverted to that old pattern today. I jumped into caregiver role and ended up picking up his computer from the shop; not a good move on my part. I ended up tired and resentful. I need to stick closer to home than that while I recover, especially after a tiring (but fun) morning with Deborah before she left for southern Oregon.

I was still feeling very reactive about this whole situation when Diane called (Howard's girlfriend in New Jersey), very worried about a questionable mammogram and sonogram. From what I could understand, it sounded as if it was a wait-and-keep-an-eye-on-it sort of situation but not something to be unduly upset about. However, she called just at the moment I was most irritated with Howard and got the full brunt of my irritation with him. I was fairly self-involved at the time and not as empathetic as one might be under the circumstances. I'm sorry to be so um, childish, arrogant, and clueless, because we know what that can lead to (see previous post).

A young woman from my cancer survivor's group (that's not what we call it, that's just a catch-all description) visited this evening and her visit was a healing balm to the day. She's been through chemo, and while her experiences were not exactly reassuring, they were true and real, and I appreciated her candidness. She is such a sweet spirit. I was able to tap with her to deal with some of her issues and that was fun. It helped calm me down over the encounter with Howard earlier. The Hebrew Angel card for today was "patience" or "savlanoot." It was patience that I needed to get through the day and patience that I eventually found. I was able to approach Howard with more love and patience finally and let the earlier dissonance of the day dissipate.